Jay here!

While my grief is still a part of my life, I still face regular teenager struggles too. It’s not the issues of dating or drama or anything (I don’t care for either), but the stress that encompasses becoming an adult.

If you’re a regular reader of our blog, you know by now that I “check-out” and make my feelings go numb. It bleeds into my regular life too, so sometimes it’s hard for me to tell what I’m feeling.

Well, I feel something today. Whether it is passion, anger or both, I am unsure. I know it’s enough to make my hands tremble slightly as I type. I feel like I need to do something fantastic with my life starting right now, and I feel like I need a break at the same time.

I know the world is absolutely horrendous right now. Half of me feels like I have the power to do something to change that, and the other half of me feels pathetic. I feel like I need to think, to figure something out and make the change I want to see in the world. Maybe start an organization or a fundraiser or something… But that also feels like it would go nowhere. Despite my yearning to do something, I have no clue what I could do. I’m doing the little things; I’m trying to educate myself and others, and I pre-registered to vote. I’m a vegan and I believe in the fight against climate change.

Yet, I feel like I’m trapped somehow. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel tired just thinking about all of that. When I talk about it, the idea seems possible. It’s thinking that’s the problem, and yet I must think through my actions if I am ever to make that a reality.

I’m just frustrated with everything. I sincerely just want to be left alone, but how can I just abandon a world that is in desperate need of my help? Can I even help it? That’s where I’m at right now. Debating all of this makes me want to stop everything, shove my face full of vegan chocolate and watch television with my dogs forever.

All of this makes me want to rip my hair out; I feel uncomfortable even in my very existence. I feel like I want to scream. To paraphrase Shakespeare… To do something or not to do something, that is the question. What the heck am I supposed to do? If my life is projected to be an uphill climb, which it certainly is since I’m a Latinx female with a single mom, then why climb? Why strap on some burden of glorious purpose to make it even more difficult? What is so wrong with wanting peace and quiet?

Why can’t I be that person who is content with a simple life? If I chose a life of contentment, would I ever be satisfied?

Like Hamilton says in the song The World was Wide Enough: “Legacy. What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.” It is an elusive fantasy, and yet I crave it. It seems like the end of a rainbow I can only partly see, and yet I know it is calling me.

I’m about to embark upon the big bad world. The same world that is filled with sexism, racism, homophobia and climate change is the same world that holds opportunities for the worthy. It’s exciting that in a year or two I will dive right in, but a question remains… Those opportunities are for the worthy. Do I really qualify? Some girl who easily gets tired and stressed and struggles with multitasking. Yes, there are opportunities for the worthy, but aren’t the worthy limited to multi-lingual soprano belters who have already done years of volunteer work, know how to do splits, cartwheels and handstands, and are also math geniuses with photographic memories?

WHAT OPPROTUNITIES POSSIBLY AWAIT ME? Why can’t I just see my future? I would like to know what is a waste of time and what is not. What is worthy of my time and resources?

So much is unknown that it’s overwhelming. I want to cry. I have so many ideas for what I want to do and so little time… that must be where the appeal of “screw it, don’t do any of it and just live a quiet life” comes in. Mom always says, “All in or all out”, and perhaps this is my equivalent. Should I be writing in our upcoming book? I don’t feel like I grieve like other people. I don’t remember a lot of what happened, and I still have a hard time understanding what I’m feeling. What if no one understands what I’m trying to say, and I weigh my mom down? What if this is a waste of time?

My theatre conservatory offers summer classes, and I chose not to take one so I could focus on this book. Now that it is too late to register, I learned that one of my favorite teachers of all time was involved in the program. What if I should have taken that class with him instead? What if he was supposed to see how much my talent has grown and write me a letter of recommendation that would get me into the school I’m supposed to go to where I would have met people who would have determined my future? Instead, I missed that class. What if skipping that one class just altered the entire trajectory of my life?

Everything already feels heavy because I am grieving. Grief makes everything harder. I have to be numb because if I’m not, I will cry ALL THE TIME and at EVERYTHING. Driving, picking a major, looking at colleges, finals, midterms, internships, jobs, volunteer work… I don’t know which path is the one I’m supposed to focus on right now because I have so many paths I’m interested in pursuing. If I don’t know which path I’m taking, then how am I supposed to prepare? You don’t take a bathing suit to a walk through the forest, just as you wouldn’t take thick winter boots to a California beach.

I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and it’s driving me crazy. I need to pick something so I can plan accordingly, and yet I can’t decide. Do I want to pursue theatre/acting or not? Am I going to embrace writing or not? Am I crossing out the whole “lawyer” idea or ethical reasons yet? Can that finally come off the table? Am I interested in being a politician or not? It’s not a question of if I’d be good at it; I need to ask if I want to do it. When do I want to finally open the business I’ve been dreaming of since age thirteen? Do I really want to be an environmental scientist and travel the world for work? If not, how does the environment fit into my life? Do I want to just ignore everything and become a race and ethnicity professor?

If I do some of these careers, what do I want to pursue first? Even today I thought about double majoring in something to do with musicals and majoring in environmental studies, and then writing a musical like Lin-Manuel did about the environment.

But I don’t know how to write a musical! I don’t even really read sheet music! I have a basic understanding and know a few notes, but certainly not enough to write an entire musical!

I feel like I need to sit down, write every idea out on note cards, make lists of pros and cons, come up with an action plan for each and every career, and then go through the list and decide what I really want to do.

Maybe I just wasted time writing all this, but I needed to write honestly about the things that haunt me. With grief, I can’t even tell what’s real and what’s not anymore. I just needed to write about something tangible. When it comes to this stuff, I know exactly what upsets me. There’s little to no guesswork involved in trying to figure out what is bothering me. Yes, I still have a LOT of questions about this stuff, but I least the questions are clearly stated and right in front of me.

I just noticed how much I have written “don’t”. Maybe I need to just stop focusing on what I don’t know and just DO things. Just figure it out as I go.

People say I’m mature and adult-like, so that helps a bit. Thinking of people as equals and not gods who might smite my entire future with a wave of their hand helps to calm me down. We’re all just equal humans on this journey we call life. Some make fantastic decisions, some make really poor decisions. Some people are brave enough to constantly take risks and learn and evolve, and other’s are cowards who stand next to their outdated beliefs. Some embrace change, and some fear it.

I need to decide which one I am. I like to think I embrace change, but if I’m this terrified of everything, then perhaps I do fear it. Maybe I fear some changes while embracing others.

Maybe, I need to stop THINKING SO MUCH.

I feel better after just vomiting all my feelings right now. I’m going to write in our book now and try to not overthink it. And maybe get some food, because a juicy peach sounds really good right now after all that touchy-feely talk 😊

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell