Shell Here

As we navigate on our new journey of writing our book, we are aware that emotions from the past may creep up.  Our cancer journey lasted 15 months and we are sharing our story with you in our new book. We have put this off for almost 4 years now because we were not ready to “relive” those memories that will undoubtedly bring up strong emotions. I am sure on some levels we are not ready for what feelings may arise. As we navigate forward, I am looking forward to seeing how much we have grown in the last six years.

This week as we have been writing a phrase came to light and although it was from six years ago, it seems quite relevant for the world in each we live in today. “Our world has literally stopped… just waiting to see what is next”. These are the words that rung true in our lives back in September of 2013. In a matter of moments our world took a complete stop and the word “cancer” entered our life. It took our normal life at the time and ripped it upside down with no answers of what was to come next. Sound familiar in 2020? What saddens me most in this pandemic is knowing that people are experiencing what we lived through in 2013-2014 and I never want anyone to live what we lived through. The fear, the unknown, the lack of answers, feeling isolated and alone and scared to death. The pandemic came and people’s lives were halted. Sadly, some are losing family and friends to this virus and have entered our grief world.

If you ever wondered what a grief person goes through, this pandemic is about as close as I can explain. Jobs are lost, lives are lost, there are no answers, no definitive end date. There is a fear of the unknown and I am sure some feel lonely and isolated. That is grief! According the Merriam Webster dictionary, (this is not a paper so do not ask me to cite it, just look it up LOL) grief is, “deep and poignant distress cause by or as if by bereavement: a cause of such suffering: trouble annoyance”. In most ways during this pandemic everyone is experiencing a form of grief. No grief is too little to ignore. Never ignore what your feeling because your feelings matter especially during this time. So many plans have been canceled and places are just closed down. Yes, these are measures to save lives but, in the meantime, there are questions, uncertainty and missed events. Seniors of 2020 are missing out on proms, grad night and graduation. It may seem small to some, but it matters to the seniors. I was supposed to graduate this June with my AA. Which may seem small to some, but it was big for me. Going back to school after a thirty-year hiatus as a widow; that is HUGE. I was looking forward to my rite of passage walking in my cap and gown. I will still graduate but it doesn’t feel the same anymore, the excitement is gone. But just like everyone else I have to adapt and accept the things I cannot change. Welcome to grief, it sucks!

When all of this went down, I had the same feeling I had when our world stopped for the first time. At first during this pandemic I was so angry. Being a vegan, I kept my opinions to myself even when others openly judged me or made fun of us for being vegan.  So, when the pandemic hit, I was angry that people still eat animals. Someone ate a bat and here we are on a lockdown; yes, that was my logic at the time! For me it was that simple and it enraged me. Then I was angry about the toilet paper debacle. Then I was super angry that everyone took my bananas, dates and frozen items for smoothies. Then I was angry that once again in my life everything was changing, and I had no control over it. There was the key moment; I had no control yet again over a life changing situation and it infuriated me!  When cancer first entered our home, we felt angry and scared. The pandemic caused us to experience these emotions all over again! I have spent the last six years slowly putting the pieces of our life back together and let me tell you, it has not been an easy task. But I was doing it! So much so that I was finally ready to live my life again and was even contemplating dating again and BAM, the world shut down just like that!

After the anger came sadness and fear. During our cancer journey I can honestly say that is what we felt every single day, sadness and fear. Our lives were changing; our lives were on hold and we were busy fighting a battle that could possibly result in death. Death, something none of us never want to talk about. With this virus comes those exact emotions, fear and sadness. Fear of getting sick and dying and sadness due to life changing all around us. None of us really knows what is happening in these crazy times, but what I do know is that I no longer fear either of them, death and the virus. I am not afraid to die because I have watched death all around me and I know what it looks like. However, this does not mean I want to die; I am just not afraid of it. I am more afraid of NOT living right now. If I have learned anything in the last six years is that life is precious and there is no promise for tomorrow.  Allow me to write it again, there is NO promise for tomorrow! This is something we all need to live by daily. We get today and that is it for now.  

So how do we go on and move forward during a pandemic? I do not have the big scholarly answers, I can only give what I have learned in my life. You start by counting your blessings. You look for the good things happening in your life. In this crazy world sometimes finding good things is hard to do I know, but you can do it. A grateful heart can go a long way. Changing your mindset can change your feelings and the way you live. I cannot express this enough to everyone just live each day one moment at a time. I know things are hard right now, I know life seems a little scary. I know the uncertainty; the changes all around and no end date are frightening. I know this because I lived it and survived it and so can you. Our world has literally stopped……now we wait to see what is next. In the meantime, count your blessings, look for the goodness and be grateful for each breathe you are taking. Always remember during these times be kind to yourself and practice self- care. It is so important especially right now. Lastly, you are not alone and you got this!

Jay Here!

Hi everyone!

I couldn’t believe how relevant the quote my mom found from our cancer journey in the past is to our present. Our world stopped back in 2013 when my dad was diagnosed. In the past six years after his death, my mom and I have rebuilt our lives. We were going out and doing things and hopeful about the future. Now that we are ready to embrace life, the entire world has collectively come to a halt around us. All I can say to that is, what the heck?!

 We were talking about how this is similar to my dad’s diagnosis and death, yet it’s different in some ways. When someone close to you dies, your world stops. But then you look around, and you can see that the world is still running as if everything is perfectly normal. You walk around in a daze like every spark of happiness and life inside of you has vanished, but then kids still run and embrace both their parents. As your world has stopped working, kids continue to get hugs from their dads. At the same time you are experiencing indescribable devastation, elsewhere in the world there are babies being born and kisses being given. The world continues to spin around you uncontrollably and overwhelmingly fast. It feels like that scene in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs when the Evil Queen drinks her potion and everything seems to start spinning around her at blinding speed, and she’s left in the middle of it all. All the while she’s coping with the effects of the potion itself; she seems to be in pain and she watches her hand grow older. To me, that’s what grief felt like. I was frozen while everything continued on around me at blinding speed, and in the meantime I continued to grow up.

 Now the pandemic is here, and the opposite is true. I am seventeen, and for the first time in a long time I’m excited about life. I want to go be a part of the world instead of just watching it spin around me. I’m at a place where I can keep up with the world for the most part. I mean, I’m still an introvert and would need some breaks every now and then from the fast pace of the human race, but overall I was ready to start my life as a young woman! I wanted to go and perform in shows again, I was excited by the possibilities for my future career, education and just ecstatic for life in general! Life has ups and downs and I learned about some of the biggest downs in life at the age of ten when my dad was diagnosed. I was ready to finally go experience some of the positive parts of life!

                And then the pandemic happened.

 It feels like grief in reverse to me. Before, the world spun around me as I was stuck in place. Now I was finally ready to jump on the life-train when it came to a screeching halt. The things I wanted to do are canceled or online. It would appear I’m the one full of life now, and the world has stopped all around me.

 There’s also the added fact that I’m not “checked out” of my feelings anymore. I managed to turn off my emotions from the time my dad was diagnosed to years after his death, but now I finally feel human again. No longer am I an unfeeling robot programmed to move on day to the next without incident; I am a human being with human feelings! I can cry now! I cried maybe three times in the four years following my dad’s diagnosis. Now, just last night, I cried happy tears when I saw a picture of Disneyland. Not only that, but crying isn’t physically painful anymore (before, I would try to repress it and my throat would tighten so much it hurt).

 There’s a sort of bitter irony to the situation I suppose. I wanted the world to pause for years because the mere thought of it constantly moving was overwhelming, and now that I no longer want that my wish for the world to stop came true. I can’t help but wonder if there’s another little girl out there with a broken heart who wanted the world to pause. The timing of this shutdown only managed to be merely ironic to me in my story, but maybe there’s a kid somewhere where the shutdown is exactly what they needed right now. For every person who is heartbroken about the lockdown, how many people needed this time so they could heal in peace?

 The world is cruel and fast-paced, but it’s also wonderful and serene. Our perception of the life around us largely depends on where we are in our own lives and what we feel we need. That means that the same exact thing that may be earth-shattering to one person is a cause to true joy to another. This phenomenon of having so many good and bad things happen all within the same minute is the yin and yang of the world. Sometimes it is humorously bitter to think about someone experiencing such joy in the same minute you feel broken. Other times, such as this pandemic, it can be a comfort to know that someone is healing or laughing and smiling. Seeing every situation from both sides is a blessing and a curse, but when used properly it can really make you smile.

Jay and Shell’s Tips:

• If you can, find a jar, some paper and a pen and at the end of each day write down the things you are grateful for that happened that day. Then, at the end of the month, read through your jar! This is a really fun way to count your blessings.
• Appreciate each day one moment at a time. We aren’t guaranteed tomorrow, and we should never take today for granted.
• Practice self-care! Get plenty of rest, drink your water, eat healthy and exercise.
• Listen to your favorite music and sing along!
• Look for the good in any situation! It may be difficult at times, but usually there is some good hidden in there somewhere.
• Remember that you are not alone!

And always, always, be kind to yourself!

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell