Shell here!
As always, we start off our blogs by saying so much change has happened in between each post, and that is never a lie. Our lives are constantly evolving and changing, and sometimes it’s even hard for us to keep up!
Lately, we have been feeling exhausted. We have been taking naps, which we rarely do. When we head out to run errands, get things done or do something fun, we come home exhausted. We have been asking ourselves, “What is wrong with us? Why are we so tired?” Then we think about our lives and everything that is going on… Even just hearing all the changes is exhausting at times! We have so much going on that there are times we just want to run and hide, hoping it all calms down and goes away. We learned very quickly how to run and hide when grief entered our life. Now we must tell ourselves that everything is okay, this is all good stuff, and we do not need to hide. We are safe.
Grief, am I right? It can really do a number on us. Most recently in our lives, we just finished finals for the spring semester. Jay graduated from high school, and she is officially a full-time college student. We are still processing everything from our Hawaii trip and trying to adapt back to life here in Southern California. We are trying to keep up with our Instagram accounts. Jay is currently in a research program as a paid intern, which has been amazing. Plus, learning about changing our lives to a sustainable lifestyle and sharing that journey as well. Dealing with ecological grief and environmental exhaustion, plus our normal everyday grief. We are both attending new schools in the fall, and that is a major change for us. Trying to keep up with everyday life such as laundry, running errands, keeping the house clean, tending to our four amazing pups and our very own self-care. PHEW!!! Just typing that my mind got exhausted. It may not seem like a lot, but for us it is!
After our Hawaii trip, (click this link to read about our trip!) so many changes occurred. Before we left for Hawaii and pre-covid, the way we dealt with our grief was to travel, go to Disney, or to the beach. During lockdown, we had to learn to live without those things. We were forced to learn how to deal with our grief over Art and my dad without outside distractions. It was a hard year facing our grief, but we really had no choice. We could have chosen to hide, but we were already forced to be home.
As each day passed and as grief arrived, we found new coping mechanisms to handle our grief. We discovered yoga and meditation. Yoga and meditation became a huge part of our journey during 2020 lockdown. We sat face to face with our grief. We held it, knowing that we could not pass it off or ignore it by going to Disney, the beach or traveling. Some days our grief became so heavy it was almost unbearable. Each day it became a little easier. As we acknowledged our pain, held our pain and let the tears flow, the weight of it became less and less.
As 2020 carried on, grief that was not just about Art or my dad surfaced. It was a little scary. Each time we dove deeper into yoga and meditation, we found more old wounds to heal. It was not easy for us, and there were days when I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle the pain. As 2021 approached and we survived another year of our six-week roller coaster ride, (click here to read about that!) we discovered we were finding ways at home to handle our grief. We have fallen in love with the moon cycles, fall/spring equinox, and our favorites, the summer and winter solstice. These moon cycles allow us time to reflect, dig deep within, manifest our dreams, and most importantly focus on what we want to change inside of ourselves and our surroundings.
As February 2021 approached and things started to open, we chose to leave for spring break. Stuff from our past was creeping up as we dove inward, and we needed to find a safe environment to deal with our traumas. If you read the previous blog post Exiting the Grief Box – Entering Hawaii, you will see the island did not disappoint. We found healing, comfort, clarity and a new beginning to our grief chapter.
Dealing with all the past trauma was not easy, but together we worked through it. The hardest part of it all was coming back to Southern California.
We booked our trips to Disneyland as soon as we got back. We still had the mindset that Disney was going to handle our grief, even though we learned that we can handle our own grief. The first trip was fun because the park was practically empty, and we had a good time. By the third trip, we started to realize and notice that Disney was not a magical place for us anymore. It was the weirdest feeling we both experienced.
At first, neither of us wanted to say anything to each other because frankly, we didn’t fully understand it ourselves. By the fourth trip to Disney, it started to come out, especially after the duckling incident. We started to see that we no longer need Disney to handle our grief. Disney used to fill up Jay’s soul, and she was discovering it no longer filled her up; it was just Disney.
We are not here to bash Disney. We still think it’s a great place for some, it is just not our #1 place to go to anymore. Anyone who knew us before may be shocked by this — I know we were. It really hit us hard when we discovered this. Yes, we will still go, but not the way we used to. We will go because we want to have some fun, but it no longer fills the hole we were feeling. We filled our grief hole with nature! We have fallen in love the great outdoors! Well, more Hawaii than Southern California, but hopefully you understand what I am saying.
That is another thing: The beaches here used to fill my soul! The very second I would see the ocean, I would fill up with joy. Now that we are involved in beach cleanups and a sustainable lifestyle, that feeling is gone. I was devastated when it first happened after we came back from Hawaii. It is not that I do not love the ocean anymore, that is seriously NOT the case! I am deeply and forever in love with the ocean!!! However, now I can see the surroundings and all the damage humans are causing to our oceans, and it breaks my soul to pieces.
The ocean used to fill my soul. Now my soul is crushed by the damage being done to her, and I want to fix it. It is so hard for me now to go to the beach here in Cali. I can still see the beauty of the ocean, but I can feel myself crying inside from the damage being done. I am broken hearted for the sea life and the struggles that are being caused by us humans. The pollution and the trash alone are unbelievable. The trash we pick up at the beach breaks my heart.
At first, I was super angry and hated everyone, including myself, for allowing this to happen. I even had to take a couple days in bed crying, my chest hurting, sick to my stomach because for the first time in my life I was seeing all the damage being done. It felt like no one cared. It truly felt like the world is on fire and everyone was holding a lit match and I am screaming for everyone to stop. It was deeply overwhelming for me. This is where ecological grief and environmental exhausting come in. Jay had the same experience with Disney, but that is her story to share, not mine.
Since we came back from Hawaii as new people, we tried to assimilate back into our old lives here in Southern California, and it wasn’t working out. We do believe that we did have to come back so we can move. Move on from Southern California, move on from the mainland and find a new path where we find peace, comfort and true inner joy. Hawaii is not perfect by any means. In fact, no where in this world is there a “perfect place,” but Hawaii is perfect for us.
As you can see, since our last blog post, a lot has changed again. Our normal grief escapes are no longer needed for our healing. We see the environment differently now. We can no longer NOT see the trash lingering everywhere! We are aware of our surroundings and we’re finding ways to be more sustainable. We are detaching from materialistic items and focusing more on the outdoors, yoga, meditation and the moon cycles. The sun, moon and stars now fill our souls with peace and comfort. We are helping each other grow and become more aware of our feelings regarding our surroundings as we each grow into our new yet different lives.
We are excited about both of us going to a new school this fall, and equally nervous. It is going to be a huge change for us, but that’s good! We love how each new day brings new opportunities and new people into our lives. We are making new friends who understand our grief regarding the environment. We are excited about our new endeavors regarding the beach cleanups, and we hope each of you find a way to join us. Remember they are also virtual through our global cleanups!
We are setting new goals and expectations regarding our beach cleanups, so stay posted and make sure to follow us on Instagram @jayandshellsjourney and @thrivingonplants_after_loss. We are actively searching for sponsors and donations as we eagerly and excitably try to change the world for the better. We are also focusing on changing over to a sustainable lifestyle this summer. We’ll share our journey here on the blog and our Instagram, helping you see that a sustainable lifestyle is not only doable, but necessary! We hope you follow along, join us and support us as we work hard to make the world a better place!
If you or someone you know would like to sponsor us for a global clean up, please reach out to us. We will add a donation button to our blog and our Instagram soon! We will give away prizes on our Instagram account as well! Within the next few days, we will post our goals for the weight of trash we will pick up from July 1- December 31, 2021. We will match pounds for every dollar donated. More information to come as we plan this all out the next few days!
One way we have learned to deal with our grief when it comes to Art and my dad is to find a project that helps us change the world. Please stay tuned and follow us on Instagram, as we will have another huge announcement regarding how to honor not only Art and my Dad, but your lost loved ones as well!!
Stay tuned everyone! We send you all so much love from our grieving hearts to yours. Remember, you are never alone on this journey! Together, we can make this world a better place and keep our loved ones’ memories alive!
Love and Aloha,
Shell🌺
Jay here!
Life, am I right? It’s crazy how things grow, evolve and change… Even things you never thought would change find ways of switching it up on you sometimes.
By the time I was thirteen, I’d been sexually assaulted by my swim instructor (still not ready to go into detail about that yet, but I’d like to point out that just mentioning this feels huge to me 💕), bullied in school, watched my dad suffer from pancreatic cancer for fifteen months, seen horrors that my dad’s biological family put our family through, held my dad’s hand while he died, visited my papa while he was stuck in a coma, lost my papa, witnessed my nana’s verbal abuse of my mother, and had my nana die from cancer. Either that year or the next, the only cool uncle on my dad’s side that I liked also died from cancer.
It took me a while to realize that twelve and thirteen is still a child. I used to downplay my grief because at least I was old enough to have memories, at least I wasn’t a baby or a toddler. However, now that I’m eighteen, I know that I’m just a kid learning how to interact with the world. So naturally, the world and life seemed pretty freaking terrifying.
But there was hope: Disney. In those stories, the good guy always won. There were hardships, but they could always be overcome. Magic was real. Disney gave me faith that maybe the world wasn’t so bad after all, and maybe, just maybe, I’d be okay.
I grew up going to Disneyland. At the parks, the cast members were always so friendly. Families were together. Happy endings were possible. When I was little, I would dress up as characters like Silvermist the fairy, Ariel or Minnie Mouse and meet the characters. Even as I got older, I could still walk around in my mouse ears and be called a princess all day.
The world may be scary, corrupt, mean, cruel, heartless and so on, but at least there was Disney. At least there was still a place, whether in the parks or the movies, that was good and kind and hopeful. All I wanted to do was be at Disney – it was one of my dreams to work at Disneyland and be a part of the magic.
As I grew older, I dove into Walt Disney and his legacy. It filled my soul to walk down Mainstreet and see the lamp in his apartment above the fire station. He wanted to build a place where his family could have fun together, and he built an empire that is still standing over sixty years later. He became a real-life example of hope to me, proof that someone could make a lasting difference in the world. To me, he represented that you could leave a legacy of happiness and hope.
I thought Disney would always be my comfort. I used to sit on Mainstreet eating Dole Whips and just let the Disney magic fill my soul. The music, the laughter, watching kids interact with the characters, friendly cast members and feeling that anything was possible… That was all I ever needed.
I thought this would never change, yet here I am at eighteen with changing interests. Disney was always so pure to me, and while I knew they were a company, it was Walt’s company. If anything, that was part of the hope.
Lately though, I’ve come to understand they are a capitalist corporation. Nothing against that, I know they need to make money, but some things just don’t feel as magical… Understanding that Disney sells that feeling of hope and dreams, keyword sells. It’s about money.
As we become more eco-friendly, I realize how much plastic waste the parks go through in a day… I know there are some sustainability initiatives from the company, but how much of that is real and how much is just performative? Recycling doesn’t fix everything; the better alternative is to reduce production of waste. How many balloons or cotton-candy plastic wraps from Disneyland end up in the ocean? I love Dole whips, but even that comes in a plastic cup that seems impossible to recycle, nor does it seem biodegradable.
The thing that was my escape from the world for so many years is still a part of that world (I’m aware I accidentally quoted the famous Disney song here, but oh well). That realization lost some of the Disney magic for me. I went to the parks with Shell after they reopened, but it didn’t fill my soul. It didn’t feel as magical. It felt like I was walking around a theme park and spending money. It just wasn’t the same feeling I had as a kid.
So where do I go from there? My whole life was built around Disney. In nearly every conservation, I can link something back to Disney or a Disney song (Case and point: The accidental “Part of that world” reference a paragraph ago!) When I dual enrolled in a college class, one girl exclusively referred to me as “Disney girl” because that was the core of my essence. Who am I without Disney when my entire identity is built around it?
Nature, the earth, animals, science, sustainability, simplicity… These are my new interests. I get more joy and peace from the ocean or the moon than I do from walking down Mainstreet USA now. I’m at a point where the parks just don’t fill my soul like they used to (although I still cherish the movies). I am more comforted by the geologic time scale and realizing the insignificance of human civilization, how everything is just one vast experiment so we might as well enjoy the present and have fun.
I’m releasing the old and making way for the new. I’m learning not to take life too seriously, which is a lesson that I definitely could have learned sooner! In the past, I stressed myself out so much I would physically make myself sick. One morning I threw up just because I was so worried about the future instead of enjoying the present!
Yeah, life has hardships, but I don’t need Disney for inspiration to get through anymore. My mom and I have been through those hardships firsthand and we’re still standing. I don’t need someone else to be my inspiration: I can be my own inspiration. My mom is my inspiration. The women out there making a difference in the world and pursuing their dreams are an inspiration.
I’m also learning that while life has hardships, it isn’t all bad. I discovered in Hawaii that I tend to fear the world more than necessary. Understandable considering everything we’ve been through, but maybe it’s time to let go of those fears?
Maybe some people are nice because they are just genuinely good people and don’t want anything in return. Is that what I’m supposed to believe? Is that naïve, or is it naïve to assume everyone has ulterior motives for everything and no one is entirely trustworthy?
I still have some trust and abandonment issues (read about that in this blog post!), and I’m trying to release those. Today, right before writing this post, I wrote the affirmation “I am treated well with compassion, kindness and respect” and just wept.
Given my experiences, it’s not easy believing there are good people in the world. I still tend to expect the worst from everyone. I wait for the big fight or disagreement that pulls us apart; I do this for everyone except my mom and dogs. As I learn to get more in touch with my emotions and express what I’m feeling, I’ve noticed that I’ll often say, “I don’t need anyone.” In my world of fears, if I express true authentic emotion then someone will laugh, say I’m being dramatic, use it against me or all three.
Before you ask: Yes, I get those fears with this blog sometimes too. That’s why my mom does a lot of the writing: I don’t want to pour my heart out and be judged for it. So why do I have a blog? To help me get past these fears! And also because this started as a grief blog, and the thought of helping someone else overpowered my fear of being judged.
Bit by bit, I’m just trying to work through my fears so I can be my best self. I don’t want my fears holding me back. Furthermore, my mom and I are a team, so I don’t want my fears to hold her back either.
Do I still fear the world? Oh yeah, it is absolutely terrifying and I am very aware of the millions of ways for painful death or emotional betrayal. However, I am learning that these are just possibilities. They could happen, but that doesn’t mean they will happen. All I can do is prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
And I don’t need Disney anymore to hope for the best. I have the moon, the beautiful blue sky I’m sitting under right now, the powerful sun, the dreamy stars, my puppies, my mom, and bit by bit I’m opening up to the idea of knowing I have other people too.
I needed people this week to help me with my psychology research project because I needed 8-10 friends to take our survey. I panicked because I thought no one would take it, but I had some friends really come through for me. I had four days to get people to take the survey, and I met my deadline in two days. Two days! I was not expecting that at all! And I haven’t had anyone ask for anything in return other than just a nice conversation catching up with each other. This seriously was huge in helping me open up to the idea of trusting people. This positive experience was so needed, and I am grateful to everyone who took my survey (seriously, it was long and took 30 minutes to an hour to complete!)
With experiences like this, I don’t need a corporation to sell me hope for my future. I’m beginning to see that I already have everything I need in order to be okay, and maybe the world isn’t as scary as I thought it was.
Even if they world is scary, I can still do my part to try and change it. Climate change, pollution, species extinction… There are still reasons to be terrified, but at least I can do something about it. I can eat vegan and try to diminish my carbon footprint. I can try minimizing my waste by using eco-friendly reusable or biodegradable products. I can host beach cleanups and global cleanups with Shell and our new friends. I can encourage others (like those reading this… wink wink) to adopt more sustainable and eco-friendly lifestyles that work for them.
Not everyone is going to be a zero-waste vegan immediately, and things don’t have to be done perfectly. I’m not even fully zero-waste yet, but I keep trying and improving! Shell and I are going to focus on becoming more sustainable, eco-friendly and zero-waste this summer, and we’ll write blog posts for you all to share our journey. We’ll provide tips to help you find what sustainability works for you too! We post a lot on our two Instagram pages, @jayandshellsjourney and @thrivingonplants_after_loss, click the links to follow those for tips if you don’t already!
You can also join us for global cleanups too. We are hosting more in-person beach cleanups here in Cali, but you are ALWAYS welcome to join us and make it a global cleanup! Just cleanup trash in an area around you. It doesn’t have to be a beach – get creative! It could be a park, creek, desert… Wherever you want to go! Then just post a picture of yourself or the trash or the environment you’re helping to Instagram with #alohabeachhealing and tag us. Easy peasy!
Thank you so much to everyone who has followed our journey thus far, and thank you for reading this whole blog post (if you’re reading this bottom part, I’m assuming you’ve read the whole thing😂) You are amazing, and we appreciate you.💕
Sending you all love and light!
Aloha and gratitude,
Jay 🌸
Jay and Shell’s 5 Eco-Friendly Tips
- Cut out single-use plastics like plastic straws (there are some really cute reusable straws out there! Ours are multi-colored!)
- Ditch plastic water bottles — opt for reusable instead!
- Buy biodegradable paper towels made from bamboo instead of trees!
- Use bamboo toothbrushes instead of plastic. Every plastic toothbrush you’ve ever used is still here, filling land fills or polluting beaches! The bamboo is biodegradable and composable. Here’s the link to the one we use. It’s also available in our shop!
- Bring eco-friendly travel utensils with you! This has cut down our plastic use a lot because we’re able to opt out of plastic utensils or straws when we eat out. Here is the link to what we use, and it’s also available in our shop!
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