Shell here!

Hello everyone,

Jay and I have been struggling with what to write about lately in our blog. With the world in chaos, sometimes it’s difficult to discuss almost anything without critique. We have struggled with current events and have found ourselves angry, sad, frustrated and full of grief. It has not been easy for any of us, I am sure. During all the current world situations, one thing that has remained the same for us is our grief. It doesn’t matter if the world is in harmony or wreaking havoc, our grief stays the same. At the end of the day, we always live with the loss of our dear Art. So, our blog will stay focused on grief because we don’t have the world answers, heck we don’t even have grief answers; we just have our experience and that is what we will continue to share with you.

A couple weeks ago, we took some time off from the outside world and focused on us. We used that time to take care of our mental health and focus on what mattered to us before the pandemic and what matters now. We both agreed that our lives were pretty busy pre-pandemic and neither of us miss the busy. Yes, we miss Disneyland and the beach. But the constant go-go-go, driving in traffic, being away from our pets… we do not miss that at all. We have enjoyed our time at home and it has help us reflect on what we want to allow back into our lives post-pandemic (whenever that may be).

When Art died, our entire world changed. Our identities left us at a loss. Our former family was no longer recognizable. Our friends had become questionable. Our surroundings became painful. We did the hard work and focused on what kind of life we wanted to live and who we wanted in it. We let go of a lot of people who couldn’t support the changes in our new life. We traveled a lot the first year just to get away. We talked a lot about moving away but neither of us were sure where we wanted to go. We decided to completely remodel our home from the tippy top of our hill in the backyard all the way down to the gutter of the street. This way, we had a fresh place to live until one day when we decide to make the move away from here. We purged all the cancer and negative energy out of our home and made it a fresh new home where we can find peace. The last six years have been a lot of work and measurable amounts of reflection on who we were, who we are, and who want to become. Change seems to be the constant denominator after the loss of a loved one. It appears that change seems to be the only thing you can count on when you’re living with your grief.

Just when you think you have change all figured out and your path to life is heading in the right direction, a world pandemic happens and you’re right back where you started! Making changes once again. As we all know, during this pandemic the black lives matters movement also spurred up. There is so much going on this world right now, and that combined with our grief can become quite overwhelming at times. During this pandemic, it has given us another chance to take another look at our surroundings and reevaluate who and what we want in our lives. As a single mom, I find it particularly important to only have people in our lives who I would consider a good role model for my daughter. So once again, during the lockdown, it was time to take a look at who was in our life and who needed to go.

One thing I have learned through our grief is that you are the gate keeper to who you allow in your life. For me, that was a huge thing to learn because, no, you do not have to put up with people if you do not want to. You get to choose who is in your life and who you do not want in your life. This was such a freeing concept for me to learn, especially since most of the people in our lives when my husband died were incapable of being decent human beings. There were people who would judge excessively and had no problem telling us how we needed to be grieving our loss. Most of these people never had a grief experience of their own but felt obligated to tell us how to live ours. I had people tell me how to raise my daughter. People telling me how I needed to handle my first year because, once again, they considered themselves an expert on grief (yet they had never experienced it personally). I had a woman tell me that I needed to meet with her husband to discuss my finances because men were better at handling money than women! Yet, in our marriage Art never did the bills; he refused. My handling our money and bills was one of the few things that did not change after he died, because I had always done it! In addition, I also had people asking me for money!

Here I was handling compound grief, and people constantly yacking in my ear telling me how to live and deal with my grief. This only lasted for a couple of weeks because, although I was deep in grief, a part of me stood up and closed all those doors. For the entire first year, I saw the true colors of my surroundings and I changed it. I did not want to live my life surrounded by judgement and lack of empathy, nor did I want my daughter to see me as a weak and feeble woman.

As I mentioned above, once again it was time for me to clean up my surroundings. When a global pandemic and world movements occur, the people in your life start to show their true colors again. Both of these global situations felt like Art died all over again and we were changing our surroundings once again. This time, it felt more empowering because in the last six years we have discovered the strong women that we have become. We have discovered our voices, and we now we use them. I am sad the world is in turmoil, but what I have learned from tragedy is that when you go through it, the growth on the other side of it can be so rewarding. We are not the same two people we were six years ago. We are stronger. We have future goals. We have a voice and stand up for what we believe in. We are not afraid to clean out our surroundings because we know we are the gate keepers to our life.

If you’re going through grief and have lost a loved one, know this: You are not alone and you are the gate keeper to who you allow into your life. Surround yourself with people who encourage you, support you, love you and are free of judgment regarding your life. True friends and family do not tear each other down–they lift each other up. Do not be afraid to use your voice and never be afraid to clean up your surroundings. Going through grief is enough. Nurture your grief, be compassionate about your life and protect your surroundings.

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell