Shell here!

December 15, 2014 my world stopped and I knew change was coming. Everyday since that horrid day, change has been constant. I am quite sure I have written a post prior to this regarding change. Here we are once again, talking about change. No matter what life throws at you, change is constant and universal.

Just recently, as Jay and I evolve with our grief, more change is among us. Sometimes I have a hard time with change, but lately, I have been embracing the change. Does this mean that I can accept change easier than before, even though I am still living with grief? As I write this to you today, I have noticed that everything around me from the last few months has changed. My circle of friends has changed. My environment is changing. Even something as simple of where I take my car for service or where I take my pets for their needs has changed. Even choosing where to get my teeth cleaned has changed.  My preference of where I want to go and who I want to be around has changed dramatically.

When Art died, change felt impossible, despite the fact everything around us was changing at lightening speed. Even though change has been constant over the last six years, I felt as though this past year, things were more consistent. Within in the last month, change has come back, but instead of disrupting my life, it has enhanced my life.

I recently noticed that there were things, humans, or objects that I no longer felt served me in my current growth. So, I changed them. It wasn’t difficult to do; it just happened naturally. I found myself thinking, “This no longer serves me. How can I change it?” For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel any anguish, guilt or confusion about changing what needed to be changed. I just did it!

I know with the pandemic and current world events, life is constantly changing. I also know that sometimes people say, “Change is good”. I did not believe that in 2014. I did not think and still do not think that the death of my husband and all the related changes were good. However, I do believe change is hard, change is constant, and sometimes we need to embrace the change, so we can grow and change ourselves.

In the last couple months, I have been embracing change. Instead of dreading change like I used to, I find myself desperately wanting change in my life. I was feeling stagnant and stuck in my life. I felt stuck and trapped in 2014, and I believe this feeling has stayed with me over the last six years.

I have been letting go of quite a few things from my past so I can move forward and change within myself. I have been learning that it is okay to embrace the change, even when it feels a little bit scary. I have also noticed this deep feeling of wanting to break free and completely start my life over. Whether or not that is completely realistic in my current situation, I really do not know. I do know that I am breaking the chains that hold me down, freeing myself from those who hold me back, and learning to let go of what I no longer need.

Grief can be tricky. Change can be tricky. We each experience these differently. However, once you find yourself in a place of letting go, take the leap for change. It’s frightening, trust me I know. I have noticed recently that every time I take that leap, the change has been rewarding. I promise you it is worth every moment of leaping forward. If you fall down, it is okay. We will never know our full potential and what changes we need until we bravely move forward knowing that grief is going with us. When grief goes with us, it isn’t a cross to bear, it’s armor we can wear as a badge of honor.

Jay here!

Yesterday, I was filling out some scholarships when I came across this question: “Describe your world (for example your family, community, or school) you come from and how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations”. Well, that’s kind of hard to describe when your world hasn’t stopped changing!

There are so many topics I could go off about with a prompt like that. Do you want to know how my dad’s death shaped me? How growing up semi poor, surrounded by people who always did things conventionally yet never successfully created feelings of being trapped in a world I don’t belong? How I got trust issues from my dad’s horrible family, abandonment of friends, and the death of the only good family members? How my existential crisis at sixteen-years-old helped me become a laid back, raw vegan, meditating, yogi, grief blogger? There are so many parts of my world, and most of them have been continually changing and shifting for as long as I can remember.

Sometimes it feels like my world is a roller coaster of chaos; it fluctuates between highs and lows, good chaos and bad chaos, and I’m just strapped in and holding on to see what’s coming next.

So many things changed after my dad’s death. My family of three suddenly became a small family of two. That was a big change! We always said we were a family of three because my dad would get so excited. He loved to say, “Baby makes three.” I was supposed to be born on the second of the month, but I think my dad willed me to be born on the third of the month simply because he loved the irony of a third family member being born on the third of the month!

Shifting from a family of three to a family of two was one massive change after my dad died. Then, there is also how my entire outlook on life shifted at just twelve years old. When you’re twelve, you don’t really think about your own mortality and how fleeting life is, but I did. My tireless optimism cracked to allow for some realism to sprinkle into my brain, which may seem small, but it was a big adjustment for me!

Then there’s some of the positive changes too. In summer of 2018, two years ago, I learned about self-love and self-care. That was such a huge lesson to learn, especially with my mental breakdown/existential crisis/grief awakening in 2019! Learning about self-care once again turned my outlook on life upside down.

I went from ignoring and shutting out my feelings to trying to feel them and acknowledge them without judgement.

I learned that self-care means allowing yourself to cry all the icky stuff out so that it’s no longer stuck inside you, and then giving your grieving body a break afterwards. I learned it means not being so hard on yourself and making time to rest, but not being lazy either. It means making time for activities or people who make you smile. It means loving yourself for your fullest potential and forgiving yourself for your lowest lows. It’s about just accepting yourself as you are, and knowing that no one is perfect, including yourself, and IT’S OKAY.

So positive changes can occur too. Everyone probably experiences them at different times, but the opportunity for positive change is always there throughout our grief journeys.

Everything will always change, and we don’t always have control over some of those changes, which is why the ones we can control are so important. We can choose to embrace some positive changes such as incorporating self-love and self-care, and they make handing this grief life so much easier. The outside factors of the world of course have some influence, but instead of defining our futures, they merely guides us towards different paths; it’s up to us to choose which path we’ll chose our own well-being.

Jay and Shell’s Tips:

• Look into self-love and self-care! They seriously help to deal with this crazy grief journey. Here’s the link to books that helped us, which we absolutely adore!
  • The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown
  • You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero
  • Self Love: Achieve Lasting Self Love with Positive Thinking, Unconditional Confidence, and Unshakeable Self Esteem by Karen Roe
  • Chill Out and Just Do it Already: How to Stop Worry, Anxiety, Procrastination, Increase Productivity, Self-Disipline and Confidence to Bring Out Your Inner Unicorn by Reese Owen
• Try something new! We can’t prevent changes from happening, but we can try to make some fun changes that we do control. It helps us feel more in control of our lives. (If you chose to incorporate yoga and meditation like us, we recommend Yoga with Adriane on YouTube! She’s very beginner friendly and easy to follow.)
• Embrace any new changes that come your way!
• Let go of things in your life that no longer serve you presently
• Know that it’s okay to change as a person. That’s what the human experience is all about!
• More importantly, know that it is okay to want a new change in your life
• If you are scared of the change, take the leap. It can be so rewarding

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell

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