Shell here:

It has been a while since we have written here on our blog. I guess we have a lot of catching up to do. Before you continue reading, go use the restroom; grab your favorite drink; find a comfy spot and let’s catch up!

We hope this blog post finds you all well, or as well as you can be where you are at in your present life moment.

Our last post was about us breaking out of the grief box! Allow me to share with you that not only did we jump out of the grief box, but we broke the box, burned the box, and ran like crazy into a new world we have never seen before. The last couple months have been a whirlwind of clarity, letting go and healing. Things we never dreamed were possible are happening for us. As we were leaving the grief box and discovering the ocean is our newfound love, some things from our past that had nothing to do with Art crept up and we knew we had to deal with them. Traumas from the past, if not dealt with, find ways to resurface and that is exactly what happened to both of us. We decided we needed a new environment and time away to deal with these traumas in order to heal correctly.

At the last minute, we chose to go to Hawaii. We researched the covid protocols and did everything we could to make sure we were safe and those around us were safe. We knew if we did not deal with the past traumas haunting us, we would never heal. Our journey for the last year has been solely on healing our souls, so we had to go. If you are against traveling during covid, even if there are rules to follow, (which we did) please don’t pass judgement on us. Our mental health was at stake and we did what was best for us. Another reason we haven’t really written in here: We have been living so much life during covid, we almost felt guilty for sharing. We went to the island for clarity and healing, and the island did not disappoint!

Every morning on the island, we had this spot we found that overlooked the ocean, surrounded ourselves with trees, sitting on grass and wildlife was always near us. Birds were near and singing, a mongoose came to visit us every morning, and sea turtles were always swimming by and sticking their heads out of the water as if to say hi to us. It was magical. Every morning on our special chakra blanket, we would take in the beautiful scenery, feel the sun, and see the wildlife. We would sit in serenity quietly meditating and dealing with emotions that were surfacing. There were mornings when one of us would be ugly snot crying dealing with the trauma that we buried down deep into our souls. As we cried them out supporting one another, we felt as if a huge weight was leaving our souls. It was the most magical healing experience of my entire life; I think I can speak for Jay as well, because I was there and watched the magic happen. When we arrived at the island we were filled with grief, trauma, and a heavy weight that we knew needed to be released asap! We feared being in California. Things were brewing inside of us that were not healthy and there was nothing here in California that would help us cope and deal with the ugly trauma that resurfaced, so we left.  

I will share this with you.  On the way to the island, the very exact moment when I could see the island from my window on the plane, my entire body filled with joy. My heart started to beat faster, I felt vibrations of excitement inside my body and tears of joy flowed down my face! I went to the island looking for clarity for a place to spend the rest of my life and the island, with no doubt, answered my question. The moment I stepped off the plane, I felt as if the entire island enveloped me with love. I truly feel that I could never explain these emotions to you correctly. Knowing that the ocean is the love of my life, having the ocean all around me, gave me so much joy and extreme peace. I instantly felt and knew in my heart of hearts the island calls me, and I am working extremely hard to get back and make it my new home.

Each day on the island became more and more magical. Every morning, our quiet meditation time drew us closer to each other. If anyone truly knows us, knows how extremely close Jay and I are, we are even closer now! Everyday we saw wildlife such a sea turtles, whales, mongoose, monk seals and birds. We were out in nature every single day. There was not one stone left unturned on the island. We explored every single inch of that island. We hiked, jet ski, paddle boarded, swam in the waves, swam with turtles and watched every sunset. We went sailing with an amazing company we both fell in love with, Hawaiian Ocean Adventures. They are the most amazing people we have ever met! We saw dolphins too! Every morning we flew out of bed and every night we crashed into our pillows. We were healing!  We were healing our way, in nature. We cried many tears and we laughed so much. We had the time of our lives. We even got to visit our friend Vicky almost every day. We felt at home. We felt at peace.  We felt one with the island and the island was one with us. We felt as if all our questions were being answered. We created new dreams, new hopes and we released the past that kept haunting us. We forgave those who harmed us. We forgave ourselves for being so hard on ourselves. We released, we let go and we let love and nature fill us back up!

Towards the end of the trip, we looked at each other and we both knew what we were about to say — we did not want to come back to California. This wasn’t vacation blues setting in. This was because we were free to be who we really are on the island. Read that again, free to be who we really are on the island! We felt free. We felt new. We felt whole. We felt healed. The island is a high vibration and low stress environment. Southern California is an extremely high stress and extremely low vibration. Just the environment here will suck the life right out of you. Everyday on the island, we were energized and alive. We started to fear coming back. We started to realize that being in California was no longer where we want to live. We both started to feel that there was nothing left in California for us. It was not just California, it was the entire mainland. There was no other state we wanted to live in besides Hawaii.  

The realization really hit our hearts hard when we realized the only thing we missed in California were our dogs and our house. We didn’t miss Disneyland, the beaches, the cities, the crowds, the overpopulation or our friends. Sorry friends, but there is always text messaging and emails and social media. We started to tremble inside in regard to coming back. We started to talk about staying. We started to come up different scenarios on how to stay. We even looked into companies that would pack up our home, sell our home online, and ship our dogs to us. The day before we left, I woke up extremely sick to my stomach. I was so nauseous, and my entire body was hurting. It was as if my soul was on fire. We sat on our chakra blanket that morning, and ugly snot crying just overwhelmed my entire body. I felt as if I was going to back into a cage of hell. I was afraid to lose the person we were becoming on the island. That day, we drove to the north shore and spent the entire day with our beautiful sea turtles, soaking it all in knowing that our souls never wanted to leave this beautiful island ever again.

We told her ourselves that one last day on the island, we needed to go back to California because what we started in California wasn’t finished. We were coming back to finish what we started and to start making a game plan to move to the island. We were both hurting and very fearful about coming back. Some say bring the aloha back with you, but this was more than that!

I was sick the entire day we flew back. My soul was crying, and my gut was screaming. I wept all the way back to California. It did not feel like I was coming home. It felt like I was coming back to a torture chamber. The minute I saw the island disappear from my airplane window, it felt as if I was flying back without my soul. To this day I feel like my soul is waiting for me on the island. For the first time in the seven years we have traveled, it no longer felt like home when the plane touched ground in California. Every time we have landed before I always felt myself say inside, “we are home safe.” This time I felt nothing but fear and sadness.

It was extremely excruciating to be back here on the mainland. I had a ridiculously hard time adapting back into the California lifestyle. Even to this day, I have to admit I am still not fully adapted back, and I do not think I will ever be. I do not want to be here in California, and I no longer enjoy it here. When I am driving around, I can feel with every fiber of my being that I no longer belong here. My only safe place with tranquility and peace is our home. We worked really hard over the last seven years to turn our home into a safe sanctuary of peace. For eleven days on the island not one person honked their horn in rage, flipped us off, yelled or screamed, went all bat crazy over mask wearing and not once did we fear for our lives. There is so much road rage here, in fact just the other day a 6-year-old boy was shot and killed on the 55-freeway due to road rage. Just last week someone was just shooting at cars on the freeway because they can. It feels like most people here are rude, entitled and always in an extreme rush. It’s overcrowded and while going anywhere you can expect extreme amounts of traffic. California is no longer for me or the type of lifestyle I wish to spend my remaining years here on earth.

As we slowly tried to adapt back, we both struggled. We both cried a lot because we missed the island and we both starting snapping at each other. We never snap at each other!  We know the ocean is our love, so we headed out one day to soothe our souls with the beautiful ocean. We even bought Disneyland tickets in hopes that would help us get back into a normal swing of things here in California.

Imagine our surprise when we both realized that neither place felt the same anymore. We were devastated. Jay grew up with Disney and her entire universe was Disney. In fact, one of the reasons we came back was so Jay could get a job at Disney while she went to college!  The Orange County ocean in Southern California always fueled my soul, it was my place of serenity. Imagine how we both felt when we each realized that neither place filled us up, the magic was gone. We cried so much because we both just missed the island and came to the realization this was a huge pivotal moment in our lives. Everything we used here in California to soothe our grief, to escape our grief, no longer served a purpose for us!

When I say a lot has happened in just the last two months, I was not kidding. Our lives have once again completely changed. Our go-to places for escape and fun were no longer fun. We now see the environment around us as toxic. The air we breathe, the surroundings, the energy, the stress… It was now everywhere, and we couldn’t overlook it anymore. All our senses were open now. We realized in our hearts what truly makes us happy, and we are trying to sort this all out.

Once we got back, we also found out that every single college I applied to (UCSC, UCI, UCSD, UCLA, UCR) all sent me acceptance letters! Yes, this a beautiful thing!! I am extremely happy and excited over this.  I am over the moon and extremely honored that all my hard work has been noticed by the UC system. I haven’t made a choice yet. This has been an extremely hard decision, one that I have chosen not to take lightly. This decision is one step closer into our leaving California. I am focusing on the one that will help me leave here successfully with my degree in hand.

If you follow our Instagram posts, you will also know that before we left to the island, we started doing global clean ups. Studying the environment and the impacts we have as humans on the planet has guided us into a different direction. With both of us being science majors, we couldn’t help but want to do something to help change the environment around us. This direction has opened our eyes and it has also led us to something called environmental and ecological grief. Yes, this is a real thing. It’s like feeling the entire world is on fire and everyone is holding a gasoline cans and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Maybe a bit overdramatic, but you get the idea. We have seen firsthand what the impact of human carelessness is doing to the planet and it breaks our hearts. It also makes us want to study harder, do our part to change, and get careers that will help change the world. We are currently adopting a sustainable lifestyle, doing global clean ups and trying to educate others on how everyone can participate to make this planet a cleaner place to live.

A few years ago, I had a 10-year plan to move to the islands. Then it moved to six years. Now we have both accepted that with hard work, finishing up some schooling here, and getting the house ready to sell, we are open to all opportunities that come our way. To all the Negative Nellys in our lives, we say to you SShhhh!!! Keep it to yourself! As Billy Joel sings, “Keep it to yourself, it’s my life.” If you can’t support us, cheer us on, encourage our dreams then stay quiet please. We know the direction we now want to strive for. We know now what fuels our soul. We know now what kind of future and life we are choosing to live. We are overly excited to see where this path takes us. We know now where we belong. We also know these last seven years have been quite the journey. Seven years ago, we had no idea what our future held. Now we have offers from UC schools, dreams we never thought were attainable till now, and goals to help save the environment by educating others and leading by example. We have our eyes on careers we never knew were possible and are now in reach! The world has become our playground and we are choosing to play in it, following our aspirations and dreams and not letting a single person tear us down or get in the way.

We will be studying hard. We will be planning so many beach and global clean ups and we hope you join us. We will be running off once in a while to go paddle boarding, spending quality time in nature. We will also be transitioning to a sustainable, zero-waste lifestyle that we plan to share here on the blog, so we hope you check it out and are willing to do your part to help save mother earth. We will post items we use, books we have read, and the changes we will be making to lesson our carbon footprint on this planet. We will share many things we all can do to save our oceans. Honestly, our ocean is being destroyed! As humans, we can be better; we can do better and need to make the change now!

We will write when we can here on the grief section. Our grief will never leave, and we will always try to share where we are at along our grief journey. We will also share facts and information regarding environmental and ecological grief here in the tab of grief stories. Last week environmental grief hit me hard, it was a tough one to do deal with. Greif is never easy!

One thing about grief: We would not be where we are today without it. I know it sounds weird to thank grief along the way, but we are grateful at how much grief has taught us. We have grown, changed, and evolved and we have always welcomed the change so we can be better humans in this crazy world.

Lastly, we know Art is extremely proud of us. We know he is helping us along the way as we navigate through our journey. In everything we do, we never forget him as a husband or father. He was an amazing man, and I like to think he is standing next to us, cheering us on, as we navigate our way to help change the world and unite the world to be a better place!

Take care everyone! Practice self care. Be kind to yourselves.

Stay connected with us on here to find out ways you can help change and save our precious mother earth. Remember there is no plan b for earth, so let’s take care of her together!

 Remember when you have a tough griefy day, you are never alone!

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell