Jay here!
I am so proud of my mom! Growing up, Shell was just my mom and my dad’s wife. She was fantastic at it, and I’m aware that being a mom is a job. Still, I knew that I was going away to college soon and my dad wasn’t here anymore. With my dad dead and me leaving soon to start my own life, my mom was going to be all alone with an empty nest and her grief. As she says, she had no back up plan. That’s why it was such a huge deal when she decided to go back to college! I was so proud of her for finally doing something for herself. She had spent so many years of her life doing things for my dad or for me, but rarely did she ever do something for herself for fear of being selfish. She would always do everything for everyone else but would become riddled with guilt for doing something for herself, even something small like buying a t-shirt.
Then here she was, this selfless lady, deciding to go to college and earn a degree for herself! Over the time since she has gone to college, she has grown so much right before my eyes. I remember that in her first few semesters, the biggest note all of her professors had for her was that she needed to believe in herself more, and that’s exactly what she learned to do! Not only did she earn her two associate’s degrees, but along the way she picked up some confidence and self-love. Over the last few years, I have watched my mom blossom into a confident, tenacious, outspoken woman. She has further developed her sense of self and realized that she, her beliefs, and her own future are worth fighting for! She has realized her own potential and further learned to harness her own power as a strong, independent woman, and I am beyond proud of her! She is proof that sometimes, things that are meant to destroy you can push you to come out of it stronger and more capable of greatness than ever before.
Shell here!
Six and half years ago, in this month of June, my life was consumed with keeping track of doctor appointments, dispensing medication, and learning what symptoms were for going to urgent care or calling 911. It was also about sleeping with one ear open for the nightly vomit episodes, keeping our daughter’s life as normal as possible in an impossible situation, and keeping our house clean and taking care of the pets. A day with only one vomit, no urgent care and no 911 was considered an accomplished day. Those days were few and far between. It was June 2014, and we had just started six weeks of radiation with a chemo pill and just survived twenty-two rounds of chemo. Our life was crazy as hell and extremely scary, all wrapped up in one. Daily I would wonder if this was the day that Art was going to take a turn for the worst and die. Even though we were in the fighting-cancer’s-butt mode, my thoughts were always scared for the end result of this battle. The fifteen months of the cancer battle were onerous and life draining. While writing our book and reliving the experience, I cannot tell you how I survived it all. As a wife and mom, my only focus was on my husband and daughter and making sure we survived another day.
The battle ended December 15, 2014 and a new battle began, rebuilding the life we just lost. I will never forget the extreme fear I felt. I had no idea how we were supposed to go on after he died. My entire adult life, there was always my sweet Art, and now he was gone and so was my father as well. They both died back to back, two weeks apart. I never lived my adult life without either one of them and the fear of the unknown was paralyzing.
Slowly, one day at a time, we made it just like when we were fighting cancer. The first twenty days after his death, Jay and I watched the sunset each night and I remember thinking, “We made it another day”. Every day felt daunting and difficult to get through. It came to a point where I could not wait to watch the sunset because then I felt one day closer to seeing Art again. As I look back, I feel pain for the widow I was back then. I was so lost, dazed, and deeply wounded with a shattered heart, and paralyzed by the fear I carried around every single day.
Next thing I knew, a month went by. Then another month, and another. Before I knew it, we were embarking on the one-year anniversary of his death. The first year is a blur of pain, and even though it was truly hard, we lived our lives the way we saw fit. As I mentioned in another post, “Our First Trip without Art,” we were busy rebuilding our lives and cleaning out our surroundings. Jay and I took off for an entire year. We traveled all over, and as much as some of it is a blur, I have no regrets. These travel moments gave us much needed time alone, and even though I believe we were already super close, it helped us to bond even more. As I look back, traveling was the best decision I made for the first year of our grief!
Then the reality of the second year came in. Then the third year. Then the fourth year. We were plugging along living our lives as best as we knew how. Jay became incredibly involved in theatre and film and that kept us extremely busy. We were having new adventures almost every day, and it was fun! But in the back of my mind, I always had this nagging thought… what was I going to do with my life when Jay grew up and no longer needed me?
I was starting to panic, and the fear I felt year one of Art’s death was creeping back in. I was having visions of me being an old lady sitting on the couch with nothing to do. I had no plan B or plan C; Art and Jay were my plans. Reality was getting closer and closer every year; Jay was going to leave and build her own life. I wanted nothing more than for her to do that, but I had no plans for myself and that scared the you-know-what out of me. I know some widows from my grief group who found someone and jumped right into a relationship right after their spouse’s death, which works for them and they are happy. But I didn’t see myself doing that. I was not interested in dating or finding someone to fill Art’s void. I wanted to do something with my life that was fulfilling for me, and where Jay would not have to worry about me being all alone.
During this time, Jay started to talk a lot about college. At the time, her favorite college that she would talk about nonstop was NYU. NEW YORK!!!! She wanted to go NEW YORK!!! I wanted her to go New York if it would make her happy, but it scared me because it was so far away and once again, I had no plan B. College talk was becoming an everyday, almost all day conversation in our home. Jay was getting ready to start high school, and she was planning her whole life out. I kept telling her to slow down and just enjoy graduating 8th grade, but she was persistent in this endeavor to make all her plans asap. She talks about this in her post “Dying is easy… Living is harder”. The week Jay graduated 8th grade, my dear friend Jennifer was graduating with her masters. I remember being so dang proud of her (I still am) and thinking that she had her life together. She was married with kids and went back to school to get her masters. She was not only making a plan B, but she was living it! I admired her so much, and it caused me to start thinking it was time to plan my plan B. At that moment, my thoughts for my own future felt small and scary.
It was May of 2017, and Jay and I were standing in line at Disneyland celebrating her graduation from eighth grade, and of course only talking about colleges. As Jay and I were standing there, I started to think of all the people I admired in my life who are doing things with their lives because of their education. I will never forget this moment; I looked at Jay and said, “Hey, what do you think about me going to back to school?” Jay squealed, jumped and down and said, “Oh my gosh Mom YES!!!” Then I texted my friend Jennifer and asked her what she thought. The next thing I knew, my phone was blowing up with how to apply to college and to make sure I fill out my FASFA. Right then and there, in that moment, plan B started to develop. Now Jennifer texts me with a meme saying, “your mom is in college”. She cracks me up!
Three months later, I found myself sitting in a classroom with a bunch of young kids for the first time in thirty one years. This moment forever changed the course of my widow life! It has been the third best decision of my entire life. First decision was marrying Art, the second was having a baby, and now my education! I am grateful for the support from Jay and Jennifer, because I now have a brighter future ahead of me. I have dreams and goals that I never thought could happen for someone like me. What I mean is that I felt my future was stuck in a caste system. My parents did not go to college, so I believed that is not what my family did. We get married, pop out kids, watch our grandbabies and die. That is exactly what I believed my life was supposed to be. People like my family didn’t go to college; you get a job not a career, and if you’re a woman you become a housewife. I honestly believed that was all there was for me. Then Art died, and boy was I confused and lost!
Here it is, June 2020 and yes, we can all say what a hard and crazy year this has been! I am happy to report that I have successfully met all my requirements to graduate with my Associate degree. I’m not just getting one, but I am getting two degrees! One in sociology and one in behavioral studies. Yes, I do understand that it is only an Associate’s degree and not a masters, but it was my huge stepping stone for figuring out my Plan B. These past two and a half years have been life changing. I have grown so much and learned so much, not only about myself but also the world we live in. I have learned that it is never too late to change our lives. It is never too late to go back to school. I have learned that no matter what life throws at you, you can always choose a better path. I have learned that I am a strong independent woman who has a voice, and I am no longer afraid to use it. I am proud of my accomplishments. With each step I took forward there were tears, laughter and new friendships made with goals for the future that I thought died when Art did.
Yes, I am saddened that my rite of passage of walking at our graduation ceremony was cancelled due to covid. But the goodness from all the past semesters of my personal growth, change, fear, tears, new friends and a new path towards success outweigh not being able to walk at graduation. I am graduating with honors and 4.0 GPA, and I made the Dean’s list once again. I am excited as I move forward, continuing my education. I am grateful for the role models in my life such as Jay and my friend Jen, plus all the professors who have shown me that I am so much more than just Art’s widow!
I am tickled pink with excitement, and I have chosen to wear my cap and gown on my birthday which is the 17th of this month. I graduated high school thirty-one years ago on my 18th birthday, so I thought it would be fun to wear my cap and gown and go visit a few friends and take photos together.
Why am I sharing this? Because I think people need to know that even with grief and life altering circumstances, it is never too late to change your life. We are the ones in control of our lives, and with strength and courage that we all carry inside of us, we can change the path of our life. As Walt Disney said, “If you can dream it, you can do it!” Grief is hard and it sucks most of the time, but we were left behind for a reason. Find your reason. Find your voice. Find your strength and courage and know that you are not alone on this journey! You got this!
Congratulations to me and my newfound path to a brighter future!
Congratulations to the class of 2020!!!
Aloha and gratitude,
Jay and Shell
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