Jay here!

The last 24 hours have been INSANE!

We woke up yesterday, we were still figuring out what we were going to do. We’ve had a lot on our plates (those who follow our six-week roller coaster ride will understand why!). December has brought a lot of wonderful things, but it has been a lot to handle!

We realized we needed a break. We ultimately ended up planning our week, our food for the week and going grocery shopping. Although it’s not the break we imagined, we played our favorite music, saw a friend in the grocery store, and ultimately had a fun day!

That night, my mom was washing fruit and I was doing research for the Winter Solstice. As she was finishing up, she asked if she could speak to me for a minute.

Before she even sat down, she said, “I think I have abandonment issues!”

This was… a lot. Once she suspected this, she didn’t know what to do about it. Just the realization in of itself is huge!

I did the first thing that came to mind: I grabbed my phone and googled it.

I found an article at Medical News Today, and I read it out loud so my mom could hear. The whole time, we were amazed at how accurately it applied! Her abandonment issues were manifesting in ways we never even suspected!

After my dad died, a lot of people left our lives. We realized this last summer that my mom did push some of them away. In the summer, we were proud of this because she took control over who she allowed in her life.

We’re still proud because many of those people did need to go; however, this new knowledge about abandonment issues provided a new perspective.

Abandonment issues is pushing people away. It’s keeping people at a distance so you don’t get hurt.

That’s how I realized I have abandonment issues too!

I knew and embraced that I have trust issues, but I thought that was it. I knew abandonment issues was a possibility, as grief messes with our minds and hearts in ways we don’t always understand. I never seriously considered abandonment issues though.

I thought I couldn’t have abandonment issues, because I don’t fear people leaving. My mindset was, “I don’t fear people leaving because people suck.” As it turns out, this is a sign of abandonment issues! It was a way of closing myself off to people, because I expected anyone I got too close with to leave!

I had no idea how bad my abandonment issues were. I didn’t even realize until this year that I push people away. I can get along well enough in social situations, I’m actually quite likable in-person, but something always holds me back from forming lasting friendships with people.

It’s just as simple as sending a text, but I always talk myself out of it. I never knew why. I already have one close friend, I thought that was good enough.

I have three people in my life that I trust; I don’t need more. How well do I know this person, anyways? We probably won’t have anything in common, or the conversation will go off the rails and I’ll never hear from them again. People always let you down, so why bother?

That mindset is the result of abandonment issues!

Furthermore, I do fear for the ones I love at times. Right after my dad died, I followed my mom around like I was her pilot fish. If she went to the bathroom, I would knock on the door and ask if she was okay. She would just have normal bodily functions, but I had to make sure she wasn’t vomiting like my dad would.

I fear the people I love dying. I loved my dad; he’s dead now. I bonded with my Papa during my dad’s illness. My Papa was the one who got me out of the house and away from all the cancer. Then a massive stroke put him in a comma until he died. His death date just so happened to be fourteen days after my father’s death date.

Our neighbor that used to babysit me died. My friend from school, who was only about three years older than me, died. My mom’s good friend, with whom we’d just gone on a cruise with, died. My pediatrician died. Our state farm agent died. Death was everywhere!

Everyone around me was dying, and at some point, you just start to wonder if you’re the common denominator in this equation of death.

The minute someone I care about is slightly ill, I fear for them. It’s gotten much better. Still, if my mom’s ear starts ringing, I have to remind myself that a brain tumor is not the most likely cause. My dear friend has COVID right now, and I freaked out the day she told me! I thought this was it; I got too close, and now she’s dying. That’s what people do, they die! (For anyone wondering, she’s in quarantine at home and will most likely be fine. She just has a cough and fatigue.)

This realization that I have abandonment issues has me thinking about everything, to the way I fear for my loved ones to the reason I can’t keep in touch with people.

Everyone dies, but they aren’t necessarily going to die just because I opened myself up to them. I’m learning that now. It seems silly, but it’s true. Maybe some grievers can relate. My head knows my presence doesn’t kill people, but my heart is still learning that.

One of the first things I thought about when I realized I have abandonment issues is this blog post I wrote a while back. It is the embodiment of all my abandonment issues, which I didn’t even know I had! Here’s the link if you’re interested. While reading it, you can just see the abandonment issues so clearly. All the evidence I needed to draw this conclusion was right in front of my face!

The same night we learned we have these issues, I started researching how to fix them. I can’t just go around pushing everyone away! I want more than one friend at some point, and I want to fall in love. None of that will happen if I keep pushing everyone away in fear of them dying.

I found this article, and we’re going to start by following the steps it provides. All this work feels so deep.

 It’s crazy realizing the deep dark reasons behind so many of the actions you never understood. All the isolation, pushing people away, wanting control, fearing for my loved ones and expecting the worst from people… that’s all abandonment issues! There’s one simple explanation for all these behaviors of mine that I never understood!

My mom and I learned that we both have a trigger word, too! The second someone says, “You’re family,” we go haywire inside. Walls shoot up and our connection to that person comes into question. My mom’s side of the family ignored us after my dad died (besides one cousin, aunt and uncle), and my dad’s side of the family emotionally tortured my mom after my dad died (my uncle even physically assaulted my mom the day my dad died!)

We felt a huge disconnect with family after my dad died. There may have been there before, but I was so little I didn’t remember. I just remember them not being there (other than the cousin, aunt and uncle we mentioned). It wasn’t troubling because I didn’t know any different. I hadn’t had positive relationships with big extended family, so the whole thing seemed vastly overrated.

It truly felt like it was just my mom and I against the world. We couldn’t trust anyone to stick around, because I thought everyone had proved humans are unreliable.

Abandonment issues: I love that we have a definition now! I know exactly what to work on!

If we know the cause, we can learn how to fix it. Just doing the very first step of identifying what exactly we fear was deep and mind-blowing. I fear getting close to people and then having them die. I fear getting hurt again, and my mom fears not having anyone in her life to reach out to.

Like, what?!?! This just seems so huge to me!

This feels like a life changing realization, but in a good sense! Now I know what I need to work on. I know what I need to improve, and I can start looking at ways to improve it. The good thing is that my mom and I both have abandonment issues, so we can work on them together.

We’ll write you another blog post on how we dealt with these issues once we’ve actually faced them. We’re already using some affirmations, and that’s already helped a lot! We’ll share everything we learn with you. For now, we are simply embarking upon this new aspect of our journey.

Shell here

I will always say it over and over again; Grief is the craziest journey I have ever been on. Every time I think I have taken one step forward; I am thrown back at least ten steps. I know I have made strides since that horrific day back on December 15, 2014, but sometimes all this grief stuff can be exhausting.

For the last couple weeks, Jay and I have been having some really outstanding moments, but they always seem to follow with more growth we need to work on. I had some great moments this December, and one of them was allowing myself to date again. THIS WAS HUGE FOR ME! (You can read about it in our blog post Why I Waited 6 Years to Date Again).

As great as it has been, it has also opened my eyes to an issue I need to work on: my abandonment issues.

When I was nine years old, my best friend in the whole wide world moved to Canada. To say I was crushed to my core is an understatement. I was always at their house because it was a safe place to be.

My best friends’ mom, in my eyes, was a magical princess mom. She was always so nice, sweet and loving. I always loved being there because no one was yelling at me, calling me names, or beating me up. It was safe!

Then they left, and I was stuck at home in pure hell. I remember crying and always wishing they would come back for me. They never did. They were gone forever in my little nine-year-old eyes.  

A year later my grandmother, who I was remarkably close to, just picked up one day and moved away. I came home from school and she was on the phone explaining to me that she moved away. No one told me she was moving; I only found out after she was gone.

My ten-year-old self, once again, felt crushed to my core. I started to think these people were leaving because of me. My mother always told me what a horrible, disgusting child I was; so, if my own mother hated me, then these people definitely left because of me!

Right after this, I started to believe that if anyone got to know the real me, they would leave forever. So, I chose to never become too close to anyone because it was safer this way.

I had friends growing up, but I always kept them at an arms distance with the expectations they would eventually leave. For the most part, I was right.

Except, having this mindset allowed myself to not only keep people at a distance, but I became a pro at pushing people away. As I look back, I have done this my whole life. After Art’s death, it really showed its ugliness in how quickly I will write someone off.

I’ve always protected my heart before someone else could crush it, without realizing I was hurting myself during this process. I was so afraid of being hurt; I was hurting myself.

When Art appeared in my life, I fell madly in love with him. I believed he would be here forever, and we would grow old together. I never pushed him away, and I never feared he would leave me. This was the only time in my life where I let my guard down and trusted what was to come.

Well, darn it! The minute I put my guard down, the biggest heart ache I have ever felt in my entire life happened; he died. Art abandoned me just like everyone else. It surely didn’t help that two weeks later, my father died from a massive stroke. Here I was, left alone to raise my baby girl and everything I feared since childhood happened.

Funny thing is, I never thought abandonment issues were my issue. I never put the puzzle pieces together until recently.

A few weeks back, one of my good friends sent me a text message and informed me that she had just moved to Nevada. I literally sat there staring at my phone in disbelief. My heart sank and I just sat there as the tears rolled down my face. Another person I love is gone.

There was no warning, no heads ups, no saying goodbye; she was just gone. I was devastated to my core. I couldn’t even process in my head the happiness I needed to feel for her in her big move. In my eyes, all I saw was one more person who packed up and left without notice.

Not that anyone ever needs to tell me their life decisions before doing them, but I just felt deeply wounded by this. I felt abandoned once again, but I didn’t know this at the time. I just sat there crying, and couldn’t even respond to her. I called my close friend in Ohio who is a widow and gets it, and I just cried to her for hours. Maybe sometimes our reactions to things are not always ideal, but I was truly bothered by how I felt and not even realizing why I was feeling the way I did.

After Art died, we never heard from his family again. My mom’s side of the family, minus one aunt, uncle and cousin, left us.  I always felt distant with my father’s side of the family. We tried connecting after my mother died, but it just always feels off.

I grew up in an abusive home with a mother who was manipulating and gaslighting everyone, so she made sure they never liked me. Trying to connect when there was never a connection in the first place just doesn’t feel right. Plus, in my eyes, they never stepped up and protected me as a child, so it just feels extremely weird now.

Within in the last seventy-two hours, I have been battling in my mind and trying to figure why I have felt so yucky inside. My reaction to my friend was bothering me immensely. Plus, all these flashbacks were starting to appear and I did not understand why.

When Jay and I got home from the store the other night, I always make a point to wash our fruits and veggies right away. I always make this my special little Zen time. I always stay in the moment and think what a blessing our fruits and veggies are and how they will nourish our bodies. During this moment, I was struggling with these strong feelings and they were becoming quite annoying to me. As I allowed the flashbacks to slowly come into mind, it hit me; and it hit me hard.

Oh my goodness, I have abandonment issues!!!

I turned around and looked at Jay and asked her if we could talk. I was even starting to have abandonment issues in my new dating life, and that was really bothering me! I didn’t want to destroy something that was such a new joy in my life!

Jay and I sat at the kitchen table that Friday night and we talked heart to heart for almost three hours! We started to acknowledge how right after Art died, we allowed our fears to take over.

We have pushed people away. We have ghosted people. We have self-sabotage relationships just so they would leave. We have built walls and closed off our hearts. Jay won’t allow herself to get close to anyone in fear they will die, and I will smother you in fear you will leave! This has been such an eye-opening experience for us.

We are grateful that we know now, and we are open to working on these issues. One thing we have learned over the last six years is allowing ourselves to make mistakes. We extend grace to ourselves as work to become better humans.

Jay and I have a lot of work to do to overcome our abandonment issues. The good news is that we have each other, and together we can get through anything.

We are slowly tackling these issues, but the biggest accomplishment thus far is acknowledging them. I am still broken hearted my friend moved away without giving me a heads up or allowing me to say to goodbye; maybe in time I will grow past this. For now, I am going to nurture my grief, tend to my broken heart, and work with Jay as we work on ourselves to heal our abandonment issues.

We both know that as we work on these issues, our walls will come down. We believe that as our walls come down, our hearts will open up, and we will learn to trust again. Great things will come our way.

We also know that because we have built these walls and protected our hearts, it has kept us from living our best lives possible. We are excited to see where this journey takes us.

We are excited to see who the universe puts in our lives as we continue to grow, heal, and learn to openly love again! Here we go again, working on ourselves so we can be the best version of ourselves possible.

Every year, this six -week roller coaster ride always brings new things to light for us.  Now we will spend time healing ourselves one day at a time, one moment at a time. Having grateful hearts, knowing that we have each other as we continue to grow and become better humans!

Jay and Shell’s Tips

• We recommend reading This article by Medical News Today and seeing how it applies to you. They provide signs for adults as well as children. Do you line up with the signs and symptoms?
• We also recommend this article if you want tips for overcoming abandonment issues, or even just want further insight on what it entails.
• Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Whether you journal or talk to someone, honesty is a key part of identifying and healing these issues.
• Don’t judge yourself! Something like abandonment issues does not make you any less wonderful. It just means you’ve survived some trauma, and that’s beautiful. You did it! Now it’s time to heal any left over scars from that time, and this is your emotional battle wound that needs some love and attention.
• Be gentle and kind to yourself as you heal these wounds. You deserve love, especially from yourself.

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell