When we first started reaching out to guest bloggers, we knew immediately that we wanted to ask our dear friend Heidi! She is an incredible, strong, hilarious, charismatic, creative, artistic, amazing woman. She lost her husband in 2014, only eight months before we lost our Art. She has been our friend during this grief journey, and we have a special level of understanding between us since our journeys began around the same time. Our husbands’ deaths are how we met, and our connection is undeniable.
If one of us is crying, we call the other. When amazing things happen in our lives, the first thing we want to do is call Heidi! She lives across the country all the way in Ohio, but distance cannot severe our connection. She may live states away, but she is one of our most beloved and supportive friends.
We knew Heidi would write an amazing blog post, because she’s Heidi! She did not disappoint, and you all are in for a treat. She wrote about the selfishness of grief, which really isn’t discussed enough. Grief is personal. A lot of things happen in private… screams, tears, guilt, and so forth. But where does that isolation lead us?
Heidi answered this question, which we didn’t even know we had. So, here are the words of the amazing woman herself:
When I received the message about being a guest blogger from Jay and Shell, I was almost giddy with excitement!
Then, I thought “silly girl, who gets excited about talking about grief?!?”
Well…I do.
Why, you ask?
Because one of the things I realized in taking this journey is how much we don’t talk about grief…not really.
Oh sure, we have all heard or said the standard “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “let me know if you need anything” but we don’t really have a genuine conversation about loss and death and how to handle everything that comes with it.
And since we don’t really talk about grief, I was not only a total wreck when my husband died, I was completely clueless as to what I needed to heal.
In my confused and painful state, I was given loads of suggestions and advice on how to keep living and how to “move on” (I truly, truly hate that phrase), but it all seemed so empty and useless.
Back to topic…
Helping my wonderful friends with their blog…
What do I write about?
What do I share?
Do I talk about the beginning or what might be coming?
Do I go with specifics that happened to me or more general ideas?
And then I realized, there it is…the selfishness of grief.
I’m so consumed with my story and what I’ve learned…me, me, me.
Yup…that’s grief for you.
Grief is selfish.
Read that again.
Grief. Is. Selfish.
Now, don’t get all defensive.
Slow it up.
I know how much you do for everyone else.
I get it…I do.
You smile when you want to cry.
You’re quiet when you want to scream.
You make sure everyone around you is comfortable…because we all know how uncomfortable loss and grief and death can be.
You force yourself to go out in public and act “normal”, like you are not completely falling apart inside.
You cry when you are alone in the car.
You cry when you are alone in the bathroom.
You cry into your pillow at night, alone and hoping no one can hear you.
But…
I want you to think about all of that.
You do it alone…selfishly, alone.
You become selfish unintentionally.
You do it by hiding your pain and masking who you have become and how your loss changed you.
You do it because people want the “old you” back…and in some ways, you want her back too.
You do it because if you can fool everyone else, maybe you will eventually fool you too.
Mostly, you do it because you simply don’t know what else to do.
At the moment of deep loss, everything changes for you, but not like it changes for everyone else. You suddenly see and feel everything differently, but you look the same to others.
In a split second, your world changes and you are trying to catch up.
Your mind goes haywire in an effort to make sense of it all.
You shrink inside yourself. I am not sure if the pain or trauma causes this, but the only place to hide from it all is within.
This is what creates the “selfish” grief.
This is what I have to offer you that might help.
- it’s ok to be selfish. Take the time to do what you want and what you need for you.
- People will have lots of suggestions and they are just that…suggestions. Do what you need for you.
- Find people who truly understand and aren’t afraid to talk about loss. You can learn a lot from them. Some of what they offer will work for you and some of it may not. Do what is right for you.
- Be kind to yourself. Grief is hard. There will be good days and bad days. Do what you need for you.
- Try new things and don’t be afraid to get creative. What may sound crazy to one person, may be totally understandable to another. As always, do what is right for you.
I’ve always said that experience is the best teacher but she is also the most brutal one. For as much as I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, I know it has truly made me stronger and more capable and independent…and maybe a bit more selfish too, which is ok.
If I had a wish for anyone experiencing devastating loss, it would be to find your peace and most importantly, to remember to do what is right for you…selfishly.
With love always!
Heidi
Thank you everyone for reading our beautiful friend’s blog post! We hope you took to heart to take care of yourself during this grieving time. As Heidi says, you need to find what works for you. What works for one person may not work for another, so the best we can do is focus on ourselves and what we need. Maybe that’s selfish, but after watching our loved ones die or having them suddenly taken away, we’ve all earned the right to be a little selfish.
Thank you, dear friend, for writing this! It is beautiful and speaks a truth for many of us. Grief is selfish, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. A little selfishness, appreciation of quiet privacy, and a little more independence may be some of the gifts that we receive from grief. Heidi, your writing is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart that speaks to so many of us.
With that dear readers, go forth and be selfish! Do what works for you! As we always say and Heidi mentioned, BE KIND TO YOURSELF 💕
Aloha and gratitude,
Jay and Shell
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