Jay’s Perspective:

Fear. It’s something we all experience at one point or another in our lives. But why? We each experience fear from different stimuli, but a majority of people grieving can attest to say that grief brings about a whole lot of fear. You would think sadness would be the main emotion from grief, and that is a big one. But when my dad died, one of the main things I remember is fear. It’s odd to think about, but it’s true. Now, with this pandemic running around causing chaos, fear is something a lot more people can relate to. Whether you’ve experienced fear from grief or are experiencing great fear because of this pandemic, I think this blog post my mom just wrote should be helpful. She really puts the idea of fear into perspective, which is something we all seem to need right now. So without further ado… my mom!

Shell’s Perspective:

As I am writing in our book I am reminded as to why am I am telling a story and what the base of the story is. Of course, the story is about courage and how my husband is our hero, but the bottom line of the story is death.  We all hear that basic saying, “death is a part of life”. Yet as humans we fear death the most. Yes, I know never give away the ending, but if you follow and our social media accounts and read our blog you already know the outcome of Arts story: death. As humans, we never talk about death and if we know someone who died we avoid the conservation all together. I witnessed a lot of people avoiding us after Art died. His death made people uncomfortable; WE made people uncomfortable. His best friend stopped coming around because it was a reminder that Art died and he couldn’t emotionally handle it. Yet everyday Jay and I live with it. We live with the memory of death; we saw death, we witnessed death and through it all it has made us stronger.

Humans fear the unknown. Take the latest pandemic that we are currently living in: it’s fearful. Why? Because it is unknown as to what can happen. People are dying from it and that invokes fear. People are afraid to die, but no matter how much we fear our demise, we will never be able to avoid death. Death happens and we will all die; it’s a guarantee in life.

Death didn’t knock on our door at our home and ask to come inside. Death just rolled in, reared havoc, caused chaos, destroyed my husbands’ body, took him and left! Death left us broken, shattered into pieces, scarred, afraid and lost. Sometimes I wonder, would it be easier if we were less afraid? My husband knew he was going to die and he was calm and peaceful about death. But he was only calm and peaceful about death towards the end of his battle. He was very afraid during his fight with cancer, but he powered through. He almost gave up so many times and then he would tell me how afraid he was of dying. Then one day something changed. The fear was gone and he made peace with his destiny of death. The crazy thing is once he made peace with it, he expected me to be calm and okay with it as well. I was far from okay watching him die and I had no peace knowing he was dying. I felt helpless and very afraid! Art knew he could no longer avoid the inevitable of death.  He died a long painful death, but he still managed to die with grace. He knew death was coming, he accepted it and then he did it; he died.

As humans we want answers and everything laid out for us. We as humans are curious creatures by nature. When we do not know something, we fear it. Fear leads to anxiety and panic, feeling helpless and miserable. I felt very helpless when I was watching my husband die. There was nothing I could do except make sure he had his dignity the entire time. Trust me it was awfully hard, but I honored every one of his last wishes. No matter how much I revisit those times, I can remember the pain, the fear and feeling helpless. Sometimes I wish I had the peace over death that my husband had.

I can share with you now, I do have peace with death in my own personal life. I know one day I will die. I have accepted death but, in the meantime, I accept life. I am not fearful to die. I have reached a point in my life where I can enjoy one day at a time. Art did not get to live a full life. I know he wanted us to live a full life. How do I know? He told us. We had several talks for fifteen months during his treatment. Talks about living, talks about dying, talks about our future without him. Heck, the chemo nurses came to our home after he died and told me that he would tell them he wanted me to find someone and to move on with my life. I was so angry at him! Now I am grateful that he gave his blessing for me to live my life to the fullest. Yes, living my life without him is not how I wanted to live my life. However, I am doing it, thriving, growing and grateful for each day I get here on the earth with our daughter knowing I will forever love him.

I am so grateful to Art my husband for showing me the gift of living and the grace of dying. I know we are in scary times right now because of world-wide pandemic. However, everyday is a day of the unknown. We didn’t know death was coming to our home; we were clueless. I guess what I am trying to say is to try not to be afraid of death. Enjoy what you have now. Love each other. Spend time with each other. Forgive more, argue less. Most importantly from a grieving home, do not be afraid to talk about the ones that have passed on. Keep their memories alive. Don’t ignore death and don’t be afraid to talk to those who have lost loved ones. Grieving is not a disease you can’t catch it, but one day you will experience it.

Empathy and compassion for your fellow humans is important, it matters and goes a long way. The more we talk about things the less scary they become. Enjoy each moment and with current world situations right now, try to not be afraid and be grateful for this moment that we are living. Remember no matter what happens in life, everything always turns out okay. My husband and my father died two weeks apart. My journey was not easy to get where I am at today, but my life is more than okay now. Believe in the good in this world; it’s not always easy to see but it is there! You got this! As Art would always say, “Don’t worry everything is going to be okay!”

Jay and Shell’s Tips:

• Know that your fear is just because of the unknown, and the fear may diminish as you rebuild your life.
• Talk about your loved ones and keep their memory alive.
• Take the time to look for the good in the world; it’s worth it.
• Be kind to your grief.
• Be kind to yourself as you deal with your fear and grief.
• Know and accept that your fear is natural.
• Find your own way to accept death as a part of life, whatever that may look like for you.

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell