Shell here!

The grief journey can suck most of the time. Some days you can be okay and go about your day like a normal human being. Other days, the grief is so difficult it paralyzes you. Yesterday I was fine, my usual missing level of my husband, but I was living and going about my day. Today, not so much! Today I want to crawl into the fetal position snuggle into his blanket and cry over my pain for him. I woke up this morning crying, not because it is my mother’s death date, but because I miss Art so much it hurts.

It all started because of a dream. Do you ever have dreams where they come visit you? I know people have mixed feelings about this. I also know some people who have never grieved do not believe in the visiting dreams. Last night, my husband visited me in my dream and normally I wake up happy, but that wasn’t the case today. In my dream, I laid down to take a nap and during that nap he came and held me like he used to. He whispered he loved and missed me so much. Of course, I told him how much I loved him, and then I asked him, “If I wake up, will you be gone?” He replied, “Yes, my love”. I told him I would never wake up because just laying there in his arms is all I want.

Laying there having him hold me felt amazingly comforting, warm and the greatest feeling that I missed so much in the last six years. It is that feeling that no matter what happens around me, because he is holding me, I know that all things in the world will be okay. It is a glorious magical feeling that only a loved one who you are deeply in love with can give you. For the first time since he died, I never wanted to wake up from this dream. I would have been perfectly content lying in his arms for eternity. I was trying to take it all in and feel his breathing close to my face, his warmth on my back and his arms holding me tight. I was rubbing my hands on his arms and remembering every detail of what they felt like. He had strong muscular arms and I used to love always feeling his biceps, so I did that. I felt every detail of each hair on his arm and held his hand feeling his wedding ring. I was the luckiest girl in the world to have such an amazing husband. I met him when I was sixteen years old and he is the only man I ever loved. He is the love of my life and my soul mate, and I never dreamed I would lose him at the age of forty-three. In my dream, I laid there soaking it all up and trying really hard to never wake up.

Then I woke up! He was gone! AGAIN! The feelings and knowledge of knowing he’s gone forever knocked me down like a ton of bricks. It rips your core into a million pieces and takes what is left of your shattered heart and breaks those pieces into a million more pieces. The hole in your chest feels so big you can barely breathe. Every cell in your body aches with pain. It is as if all the pain from the moment he died till now has gathered together and grown into a strong ball of pain and then it hits your whole entire body. He is gone, he has been gone, but today I am shattered over it. Today I am missing him and hurting for him in ways I haven’t felt in a while. I grieve him every day, but today I feel paralyzed in my broken heart of pain.

Today I grieve the pain. Today I nurture my grief. Today I sit in silence missing my husband, loving my husband, and knowing he is gone forever. Today I cling to the dream trying to hold onto every aspect of feeling him hold me. I cling to his voice speaking the truth of his love for me. I cling to the feeling of hearing him breath and the warmth I have so long missed every day of my widow life.

I am sharing this because whether you are one week or ten plus years into being a widow, the love we shared with our loved ones never goes away. Which means our grief will never leave us. Some days are easier than other days. Some days, like I am having today, happens out of nowhere. I wish I can tell you the pain goes away and life goes back to normal. We all lost our normal the day they died. We learn to co-exist with grief, but it never goes away. As widows, we are left behind to rebuild our lives with our broken hearts and it is not easy, but it is doable. I haven’t felt this paralyzed in my grief for over six months. I can share that the knock down to your core grief does become less frequent over time. Not every day feels this horrible. I love my husband so much and I miss him every moment of every day. Today my grief for him is crying. Today my grief for him is painful. Today my love for him hurts.

Jay and I were watching a movie the other day and there was a couple who had been married for sixty years. They were both in their late nineties, and the wife died. As I watched the husband, I felt his pain and I felt bad for him as he slowly left the hospital by himself to go home. This is when I realized and turned Jay and said, “I already did that, and I am never doing that again”.

I think a big part of me not wanting to date again is that I never want to feel this pain again for someone else. I do not think I could bare it a second time. Now if I were to die first, then that is another story. But I can’t guarantee my death first; it didn’t work out in my marriage, Art died first. Maybe my fear of having to deal with this pain again is keeping me from another person? I believe if, and that is a big “IF”, someone is out there for me, then it will work out and it will flow naturally into something. But if it does not, I am okay with that too. I have accepted the possibility and I am okay with being alone for the rest of my life. I feel like an incredibly lucky woman to have found the great love of my life at sixteen. I married the great love of my life. I nurtured the great love of my life as he took his final breath. Some people never find their one true love and I found mine.

Today I hurt greatly because the great love of my life died. Today the pain is so deep and so strong that I feel paralyzed by it all. Today I feel sad because in my dream, I never wanted to wake up because I miss him deeply. Today I feel a little fear because the love I feel for him is so strong, the pain feels scary. Today I will cry and allow myself to feel what I am feeling. Today I will not stuff down and ignore my grief. I have learned in the last six years that ignoring my grief makes this process so much worse. Today is what Jay and I call a griefy day. Today, my griefy day, I will nurture the pain. Today I will allow myself whatever I need to handle my day. Today I will give myself compassion, love and a free pass to feel and do whatever I see necessary to mourn. Today I will endure my griefy day because I know the great love I carry for my husband deserves to mourn my loss. Today I will cling to my dream and remind myself how much he loved me. Today I will accept that not every day in grief is like today. Today I will carry hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. Today, I will be kind to myself!

Remember, we all grieve in our own ways. As you’re grieving today, I just ask that you be kind to yourself and remember that you are not alone!

Aloha and gratitude

Shell