SHELL HERE

Whether you’re a Disney fan or anti Disney we have to share that Disney has been a huge part of our grieving life. We always went to Disneyland as a family when Art was alive. In fact, our very last vacation together was a Disney cruise up the Pacific Ocean and into Canada. That cruise abundantly grew our love for Disney. Art was so excited that on that cruise he booked another vacation for us on Disney cruise in Florida! We were so excited and could hardly wait. He worked so hard for a year and paid off the trip so we could go.

Then, out of nowhere, cancer struck! He called Disney and moved our trip out a year because he was determined to beat cancer. Our cruise was set for February 2015. He died December 15, 2014.

On his death bed he told Jay and I that we wanted us to go into the cruise. I balled my eyes out and said no way! Not without him! Jay who was only 11 and said, “okay dad no problem”. I still chuckle because even though I know Jay understood the depth of her dad dying, she still wanted to live her life. That was a great example that maybe sometimes we all forget. Life goes on and we need to live our life even when tragedy strikes. 

February 2015 was our first journey without Art. Disney refunded his cruise portion which allowed us some extra cash on the travels. Here we were two gals with compounded grief (remember my father died two weeks after Art) boarding a plane to a Disney vacation. Here I was taking my child not only out of state, but out of the country all by myself. I was scared to death! Not only did we go, but we jumped into the deep end right away. You see, Disney cruises are family vacations! We were surrounded by families! Moms and Dads and children everywhere.

When we were standing in line to get on the Disney bus in Florida a little girl ran up to her dad and said “daddy come play with me” and her dad responded, “I will in a minute sweetie but first I have to take care of this because that is what Daddies do!” Oh man! Jay and I took one look at each other and we both had tears flowing down our faces! The deep end of families was surrounding us, reminding us of what we lost. But as I look back, I am super proud of us! We jumped in the deep end and dealt with our loss. Families are everywhere and trust me, when you lose yours you see families EVERYWHERE!!!

After that first vacation without Art, we decided to let Disney handle our grief. Because frankly, they do a great job and making you feel good when your heart is shattered into in a million pieces. That trip gave us the courage we needed to keep putting one foot in front of the other. The rest of the year, anytime our home environment became too much, we left for Disney. We took 5 cruises, two trips to Hawaii and one to Canada that year. I have no regrets! They made us stronger and we have so many new memories that we would have never gained if we weren’t brave and didn’t take that one vacation that Art wanted us too.

JAY HERE!

In complete honesty, I don’t remember everything about our Disney travels the first year. You see, I developed this habit I call “checking out”. I think it was a coping mechanism I developed when my dad was diagnosed. I would mentally shut down, and it was like I wasn’t even there. I kept checking out even after my dad died, and I don’t remember everything that would happen while I was checked out since I wasn’t mentally there. I kept doing that even after my dad had already passed away, and that’s why I don’t remember everything about our travels after my dad died. When there were a lot of people or a situation carried some level of stress, I would automatically check out without even thinking about it.

When we were traveling, I don’t remember a lot about getting to and from places – especially in the beginning. A lot of what I do remember is more of a haze than an actual memory. I do groggily remember waiting for the Disney bus to pick us up from the airport in Florida and hearing a little girl and her father. I remember hearing the little girl ask her dad to play with her, and he said something along the lines of telling her, “not right now”. At the time it made me sad, but I was so used to being checked out that I thought I was more annoyed that there was a little girl and her dad right there while my dad was dead. Then I heard him say he had to do something, “because that’s what daddies do”. I looked at my mom and before I even knew what was happening, I started crying.

I hate the feeling of crying in public (it feels too exposing), and the only thing I hate more is when you don’t know why you are crying. I know now that I was crying because seeing a dad and daughter was sad and some sort of grief trigger, but at the time the tears just felt like a really annoying inconvenience. Looking back now though, I’m glad that happened. It was a moment where my mom and I could share our grief, even if it was as ridiculous as crying in the airport. It was also a good lesson on control. I could check out all I wanted, but that wouldn’t make the grief go away. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be able to just not feel my grief. Even if I check out, my grief will always still be there lingering in the shadows. The fact I can’t control my grief was an important lesson for me and learning that has allowed me to be in the place I am now.

I’m learning to just accept my grief and learning how to properly express it.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve, the important thing is that you just allow yourself to grieve. I’m thankful for all the trips we took the first year. I see now that I was learning this lesson, and I’m grateful we jumped in the deep end being surrounded by families, because it allowed me to learn this lesson. I’m also grateful because, if you’re going to learn how to grieve, where better than on a Disney cruise surrounded by the Disney magic, telling you everything is going to be okay.

JAY AND SHELL’S TIPS:

• Find something that you love that helps you live
  with your grief.  
• Accept that you will always have your grief, and you cannot control it.     
• Acknowledge that your grief becomes a part of you, and that’s not a bad thing.
• It’s okay to talk about your grief. Find those who will listen, and ignore those who won’t.
• Find a place you can go that helps you feel at peace with your grief, whether that be Disney, the beach, mountains, desert, and so on.
• And lastly, always be kind to yourself!

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell