JAY HERE!

Hey! So I had some feelings this week – blargh. I usually do not like to mess around with feelings. I know, it’s pretty odd for an actress! I love stories told through books and bringing scripts and songs to life, but I just don’t do well with my own feelings. However, I know feelings are important and all that mumbo jumbo. As part of my self-care, I try to be more in touch with my feelings and allow myself to actually feel them.

For this week, I was doing pretty good! We got the new roof (YAY), and I was just full of gratitude for my mom, our dogs, our house, modern technology during this lockdown, and so forth. Then my mom left for the store and I decided to listen to a musical. Let me just say, I needed to pick a better song selection.

I love musicals, but I definitely chose the wrong one. There’s one musical called The Lightning Thief Musical. In all honesty I didn’t like it at all the first time I listened, but it’s based off the Percy Jackson books. I already have too many bookmarks deployed at the moment, so when I miss Percy Jackson I listen to the musical. It’s way better than the movies because it is far, far, more accurate to the book.

There’s one song that’s actually one of my favorites from the soundtrack, I forgot how many feelings it drags up. The character Percy was raised by his mom. In the song “Their Sign”, Percy finds out his dad could have shown a sign that he was around even since Percy was a kid. He is furious he never got a sign, and this song expresses his anger. The lyrics are:

He showed no sign
that he ever existed

No sign he might
actually care

My mom raised me all
on her lonesome

When I would reach out

No one else would be
there

I want my birthday cards
and fishing trips

Job support and
homework tips

I don’t mean to
whimper or whine

The guy didn’t need
to be dad of the year

But it’s clear he
could have shown us a sign

How does this relate to me and why does that make me cry, you might ask? Well, right after my dad died, he was in a lot of my mom’s dreams. When someone you know dies, you just accept this idea that they can still show you that they’re around. For both my mom and I, we always found pennies. That was pretty much all I got, but my mom would see my dad in her dreams or feel his presence in the room.

About a year ago, I was mad at my dad because I never felt him like that. Sure, I could pick up a penny sometimes or wonder if that butterfly that nearly flew into my head was him, but I never actually felt him like my mom did. I never had a dream where I got to hug him. I started to get mad at him. Why couldn’t I ever feel him?! Did he just prioritize seeing mom over me every time? I get it since my mom is amazing and they had true love and all that, but I’m still his daughter. If he visits dreams, why couldn’t he ever visit mine? That’s about the time I found this song, and that one part spoke to my anger.

  I told my mom about all of this, and she said to try just being more open-minded. I did feel my dad’s presence once in the middle of the night (after I snuck into the living room to whisper-yell at his spirit or ghost or whatever). After that night, I just started to accept things. I don’t even really know what that means, but I guess my anger just started to fade away.

Then I listened to this freaking song again. With the pandemic and everything going on, I started to feel my anger simmering back up. I tried so hard to calm it down, but the next thing I knew I was belting the lyrics with Percy and crying.

I guess being more open-minded at this point helped though, because this time around I got my sign. Three of them actually. That night I was doing something, and I heard music. For a second I thought my mom was playing music, or maybe a neighbor was playing music. It sounded like a song I knew though. Then I realized the sound was coming from the direction of my phone. I hadn’t touched my phone, but I was definitely hearing my music. Who else around here would listen to the BBC Sherlock soundtrack? Sure enough, my phone just randomly started playing music! This used to happen to my mom all the time, and we would say it was my dad messing with us. It had never happened to my phone though, or at least not before this week!

Then that night, I dreamt about him! I never got to see my dad in my dreams. I don’t remember everything that happened, but I remember that he was there and we were happy. And finally, yesterday I found a penny in our driveway!

If there’s any grieving kids reading this, or really anyone that’s mad at their dead-person, I just want you to know you aren’t alone. Everyone talks about being heartbroken and sad about the death of a loved one, but being mad is allowed too! I made every excuse I could to not get mad, the largest one being “He didn’t mean to die.” I’ve made excuses to be mad at him too. “He chose eating junk food over being around for his family, he chose that over us.” I have made every excuse, justification, dismissal, and so forth, and let me tell you that it gets really annoying really quick. It’s taken me a year to learn this, but the important thing is to just let yourself feel what you feel. I learned that what you feel about it can be different from what you logically know about the situation. Justifications or excuses don’t do anything except cause frustration and prolong the feelings. I learned to just accept when I’m angry, acknowledge it, maybe find a way to at least feel like I’m telling dad I’m mad, and then the feeling subsides.

I am proud of myself for this week in self-care, because I let myself acknowledge my feelings. I’m also glad that I had such an abundance of gratitude. I am still grateful, and my goal for this week and beyond is to retain this feeling of gratitude. My goal for this week is to make sure I take time out to do fun things I want to do, like try the lemon cheesecake recipe I’ve been dying to make or read some comic books from Marvel Unlimited. I also want to stay disciplined in school this week and finish early, because Friday is the first day of spring break!

SHELL HERE!

What a year we are having right? Who would have thought on New Year’s Eve of 2019 that three months later we would be dealing with a world-wide pandemic and most states in United States on a lock down! I am still trying to process all of this and I am not really sure where I stand with it all. I can tell you, from the beginning I have been angry. I think I am just really angry about the whole thing. Underneath my anger is fear. Don’t get me wrong I am not afraid of the virus, just like I am not afraid cancer and diseases or the flu. I am angry and afraid of how the world is changing and how this will change human interaction. I think I can safely say we are all afraid of the economy, but I am not going to go into that. I am just expressing my first week of self-care and what I learned over the week.

I know I am angry and afraid and a lot of it is because Art and my Dad are not here to walk this crazy journey with me. My dad would have had helpful insights and he would say it like it is, but still give me hope in the future. My husband would make me feel safe and secure even if the world is falling apart. I would be able to look at him and just know we would be okay. But now its all on me! It has been just me for the last six years, any widow or widower will understand exactly what I am saying. My partner in life is gone and I was left holding the pieces of our life to figure out how to put it all back together and in the meantime not screw up my kid. Little by little I have learned to do things on my own such as fixing toilets, kitchen sinks, shower heads, water heater, sprinklers, etc. I rely a lot on U-tube! But twenty -seven years ago I did not sign up to do life by myself and yet here I am.

So, this pandemic brings up a lot of grief emotions. In fact, just yesterday I left the store and when I got home I just sat in my car for a few minutes before I went inside because I felt this overwhelmingness of grief! In the last six months I started to come out of my shell and wanted to experience life again, so I did. I was even considering dating again. Jay and I were going out and doing things and being around people and our life was becoming fun again. Yet, as I sat in the car, I found myself grieving that life we created and were ready to live! Yes, I realize this is not forever but in some aspects our lives as we knew it will never be the same again. For that my grieving heart hurts. I feel as though 2020 ended before it even started. Here we are sitting in a pandemic with fear and no end in sight. I am truly saddened for all the new widows and widowers that our joining this not so fun club!

I have to say one thing I learned that kind of bothered me this week. Seeing people in masks and gloves FREAKS ME OUT! As I am typing this I just realized why! I think it has to do with PTSD from our cancer journey. (we have many triggers from our cancer journey, and we plan to share a blog about that soon).  I seriously feel panic rise up when I see everyone in a mask and gloves and the feelings of our cancer journey surface up. I do not like it and now I do not even want to leave the house to journey out and see this! When I do, I see cancer and the reminder is blatantly slapping me in the face that Art is gone!

So, what did I learn this week in self-care? Why masks and gloves scare me. Why I am scared in this pandemic, and why my grieving heart hurts so much. On a good side of all this, I did stick to a routine this week and I did run every single morning. I did workout in our amazing home gym. I did eat some super yummy raw vegan food. I am so grateful for our new roof and I am beyond grateful for my amazing daughter Jay. There is no other person besides Art that I would rather spend quarantine time with. I am one lucky mama to have such an amazing girl navigating this crazy grief life with me.

I am looking forward to a new week and seeing what is revealed and what great food recipes we come up with. Plus, I will probably Instacart things for the time being. Why? Because I am going to be kind to myself and know that face masks and gloves are apparently my trigger.😊  

JAY AND SHELL’S TIPS:

• If something triggers some grief feelings, you don’t always have to go see the trigger! See if there’s a way around it. For the masks, we’re doing Instacart. Brainstorm if there’s a way for you to avoid your triggers. (If you can’t think of a way to avoid it, write in the comments and we’ll help you!)
• If you’re angry at your dead person, tell them! Talk to the spot they used to sit in like Jay, or if you need something concrete talk to their ashes or an object of theirs. It feels ridiculous at first sometimes, but it really helps!
• Remember no matter what – Be Kind to Yourself!

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell