Jay here!

A few days ago, I was so tired. My whole body felt sluggish, and I couldn’t tell if I needed a nap, a good cry or both. I thought that maybe if I just had one good cry the feeling would just go away, but my tear ducts seemed to have forgotten how to produce water.

The feeling lingered in the background for a few days. It didn’t help that one of my favorite fictional characters came back in the book I was reading, just to confirm that he was really dead. That swirled up the brewing feelings storm even more. All this finally converged on me two days ago. That’s when I told my mom how I felt with a full two sentences, and she deduced that I probably just needed sleep.

I wasn’t sure it was that simple. Was I sleepy? Was I griefy about my 18^th birthday coming up without my dad? Was it Thanksgiving? Christmas? His death date? Was I just being super dramatic about this fictional character, who reminded me a lot of my grief journey? Was it all of this? Or was I actually just tired and overthinking the whole thing?

I slept in until 9am the next day, and woke up good as new.

This is the confusing part of my grief. I am not fantastic at navigating my emotions, so I don’t always know what I’m feeling. I thought for sure it was my grief, but I it turns out I just needed some sleep. Who knows, maybe I was so tired that it was making me griefy.

Whatever the case, it makes me doubt myself when dealing with emotions.

This is what I wrote when I was tired and trying to figure out what I was feeling:

“…part of me doubts myself. Is this really grief, or am I being dramatic? I am a theatre kid and known to have a slight flair for the dramatic after all. Maybe it’s not even about my dad and papa at all, maybe I’m just being dramatic about getting older…”

Hm, fully-rested-me thinks, let’s go with option D, ALL OF THEE ABOVE.

I have to remind myself that feelings aren’t concrete like I wish they were. They change. They flow. They evolve. They can change on a day to day basis, and you just have to try and keep up.

There are no rules. I’m allowed to feel more than one thing at once, we all are. Imagine that!

Since I wrote that, my feelings have changed. Turning eighteen is still a little intimidating, but I’m mostly just excited to spend the day with my mom. And that’s okay! I am under no obligation to be griefy on my birthday! It’s my birthday, and I’ll feel however I feel!

I have to remind myself all the time that my feelings are valid, and I shouldn’t try to control them. I also learned that if I don’t know what I’m feeling, maybe I should get some sleep before I start question myself.

Here’s some tips we have for when emotions just seem too confusing!

Jay and Shell’s Tips:

• SLEEP FIRST! That was my biggest takeaway from this story. It’s hard to think if you’re just too dang tired.
• Meditate. Take a quiet moment to just sit and listen to your soul. You can even use a guided meditation from YouTube or listen to some ocean waves or rain sounds. We use Yoga with Adriene and Nora Day’s guided meditations on YouTube, or just sit in silence depending on how scattered our brains are.
• Journal! Even if everything is total gibberish, it can be helpful to see everything written out in front of you. Just vomit all your emotions through your hands and onto the page. You can write on your laptop, in an actual journal, or even on your phone! Here’s the link to the prompted grief journal we made, available on Amazon.
• Don’t judge yourself! Did you see how my sleep-deprived journaling was judging myself for being dramatic? Don’t do that; it just makes things harder on yourself. I have to remind myself all the time to not judge. It’s a difficult habit to develop, but excluding judgement gives you the freedom to just be yourself.

Does anyone else ever feel confused by your grief? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below! Let us know if you have any tips as well. What you have to say might be just what someone else needs to hear!

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell