Shell here!

You know how Facebook has that section of memories?

For the last five years, I would log off Facebook from November 1- January 1.

Why?

Because those memories of the photos of my family with Art dying would kill my soul. I still to this day can’t really “look” at him sick. Looking at him so sick with yellow skin and eyes and a skeleton body breaks my heart and brings me to tears every time!

I remember during this time on hospice, a “friend” came over and asked to take pictures of us. The gentlemen then framed the picture, wrapped it up and gave it to us as a keepsake. He put the present in a box with some fruits and veggies and left it on our porch. I remember loving the fruits and veggies, but I hated the picture.

Although I know this gentleman was only doing it out of the kindness of his heart and meant no harm, to this day I loathe the picture. Jay and I hid the picture somewhere in our garage, because even though we hate it, we don’t have the hearts to throw it away.

The picture he gave us has our pup Cinderella in it, and I always remember thinking she was the only one that look good.

I must clarify, the pup in the photo you are looking at is our pup Daisy. The photo I am mentioning is still somewhere in our garage and as much as I love you all, I am not about to go find it and take a picture of it for you. We can all agree, Daisy does look cute in this photo.  

After Art died, I was afraid I would never remember what Art looked like pre-cancer.  I was afraid his cancer body would be embedded in my head forever! The first couple years, it haunted me. I could only see his cancer body and face. I had repeated night terrors of him dying from cancer for the first couple years; they were awful.

Now I look at these pictures, and it feels like I am looking at someone else’s pictures. I have started to detach myself from the cancer journey. I can now write in our book and share the cancer journey, all while leaving the cancer journey in our book after I finish writing. It is becoming a memory, not forgotten but released.

This was our lives six years ago! Cancer, cancer and more cancer until death arrived and took it all away.

Today our life is filled with love, peace, change, newness, gratitude, kindness, empathy, compassion, forgiveness and grace. Knowing that we survived this tragic time with strong hearts!

I can now look at the memoires on Facebook. Yes, they still sting a little. I also know and acknowledge how far we have come and that those pictures are just memories I can look back on, knowing my Art was so much more than cancer.