Jay here!
So, my birthday is coming up. I’m turning 18, a legal adult. That’s a thing that’s happening.
I haven’t really thought about it beyond the legal implications, paperwork to fill out, and figuring out what I want to do on my birthday. But a week ago, I saw, “18 B-Day” on my mom’s planner, and it suddenly felt real.
There was a heaviness to it. Not much, and I’m still excited for my birthday, but it’s there.
I’ve had some AMAZING birthdays, but they don’t always feel the same since my dad died. 13 sucked, since it was my first birthday without my dad. 16 was depressing. My dad was supposed to teach me how to drive, and I knew people were going to start hounding me to get behind the wheel, even though I wasn’t ready (I was right).
We spent my 17th birthday at Disneyland and had the best day EVER! We spent the day at Disneyland, had meet n greats with Spider-Man and Sully, bought a pretty dress and so forth. My 17th was my best birthday yet, and part of me thinks it’s because 17 isn’t a big deal. 17 isn’t a big milestone like 16 or 18. It wasn’t like a big milestone happening without my dad, it was simply my birthday. Plus, 17 is when you become the dancing queen!
And now here comes 18…
I hope it lives up to the legacy of my 17th birthday. We’re going to go to Downtown Disney, stop by a vegan bakery to get some raw vegan chocolate cake and tiramisu, and then go home to watch Tangled since Rapunzel turns 18 in the movie.
Still, there’s a lot of feelings about turning 18. I’m a bit intimidated about being an adult, although the adults in my life said I’ve been acting like an adult since childhood. I know the basics of paperwork. I know that nothing in life is free (not even dying, as my mom had to fill out tons of paperwork after my dad died). I know how to be responsible, mature and problem-solve. I have a plan for my future, so I know what I’m getting into. Honestly, I think my dad’s death prepared me for adulthood in many ways.
Still, I’m slightly nervous about being an adult…
Is the girl who drinks apple juice boxes and watches Disney movies ready for adulthood? The adults in my life say I am. I’m hoping that this is just how adults feel. Lately I’ve been saying, “I don’t believe adults exist; we’re all just giant children.” I feel the same way I’ve felt maturity-wise since childhood; I’ve just learned a few more things like fractions and how to invest in the stock market.
Maybe adulthood isn’t something you feel. Maybe it’s just something you become after learning a certain amount of life-lessons. If that’s the case, then maybe I am ready. My friend who’s 18 right now still calls herself an “adult kindergartener,” because while she’s a strong, empowered, adult college woman, she still drinks her Capri Sun juice while doing her adult-y things. I still say I’m an elderly five-year-old, because I still feel sunshiny and clueless, but I like an early dinner and prefer people stay off my lawn.
While I have my future planned out, I don’t know exactly what’s waiting for me in adulthood. I certainly never anticipated that there would be a global pandemic the year of my 18th birthday. All I know is that, after some serious thought, journaling and meditation, I can say with pride that I’m not scared anymore. The title of being a legal adult might be a little intimidating, but the title won’t change so I might as well adapt to it.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love my dad and wish he was here to celebrate with me. But he did his job as a parent and prepared me for adulthood. His death taught me a lot of things I never would have learned if he didn’t die. If not for him and my mom, I wouldn’t be walking into adulthood armed with self-love, self-care, a wellness lifestyle, and a deep understanding of who I am.
I’ve spent my last few birthdays (excluding the glorious 17th) feeling sad that my dad’s not here. I’m sick of being sad on my birthday. I’m not going to feel bad about enjoying my birthday on Thursday (tomorrow!).
Part of me wondered if I should feel guilty about being so okay with my birthday, but you know what? I don’t really care how I’m supposed to feel; I’m just going to wake up on my birthday and do my thing. If I’m sad, then so be it. I’ll accept it, tend to it and move on. And if I’m happy, I’m not going to feel bad about it! I’m going to thank my dad wherever he is for being an awesome parent and preparing me for adulthood, thank my mom for being the most amazing mother and role model a young girl could ask for, and get ready to rock adulthood and follow my dreams.
*mic drop*
Aloha and gratitude,
Jay and Shell
Leave a Reply