Shell here!

Whoa! As a widow, the word “dating” feels huge!

When Art died, I felt like I had died too. I felt as if my entire identity was wrapped up in him, and my identity died with him. I no longer knew who I was without him. I had been with Art since I was sixteen years old. Suddenly, I was a forty-three-year-old widow with no Art.

I had no idea what that was supposed to look like. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I only knew how to be Art’s wife. I loved being his wife. My entire identity was wrapped up in being his wife. Everything I did was with him and for him. He was my entire world. We were madly in love, and we did everything together!

I figured the only way for me to survive after his death was to shut down all my feelings and just be Art’s widow. I did not know what else to do. I had to be a mom for Jay, so I ignored and pushed aside my feelings, and allowed myself to be dead inside.

I accepted that the greatest love of my life had died. I told myself that if I never found love again, I was lucky to have had it the first time. I also told myself that I would never love, date or be intimate with another man in my lifetime. For some reason, I felt like if I did, I would be betraying my husband and our daughter. I would never refer to Art as my late husband. He was to be my current husband until the day I die.

Even though I took off my actual wedding ring and sadly put it with Art’s for Jay, I still wore a ring he gave me on my wedding finger. In my head and heart, I was married to Art forever! (click here to read the story behind our rings!)

With all these thoughts swirling in mind, I also decided that the only person who needed my undivided attention the most was my daughter Jay. There was no time for me and what I thought were unnecessary thoughts.

I watched Jay watch her father die. I watched Art die. We both watched my parents die. We both watched our friends and family walk out the door. Jay and I were left all alone holding our broken, shattered hearts. The two of us had to figure out together how to go on without Art, friends and family; and we were both frightened to the core.

I made a vow to myself: I would not entertain the idea of another man until Jay became an adult. Truth be told, I wasn’t interested anyways. Dating a man felt like a huge burden. During that time, I thought men just get sick, and I was not about to take care of another man in my lifetime. Men felt like a drama I was not ready for. I had a life to rebuild. I had grief to figure out. I had a child to raise. For me, there was no time for that dating craziness.

That is exactly what I did. I raised my daughter, who just turned 18 years old on December 3, 2020. I made sure the two of us had everything we needed to handle our grief and rebuild our lives one moment at a time.

When I look back at the two of us and who we were six years ago and see who we are today, I know I did the right thing.

Jay and I have the strongest bond that I have ever had with any human, with the exception of Art. We helped each other put the broken pieces of our lives back together. When the broken pieces didn’t fit, we made new pieces.

We cried a lot! We laughed a lot. We made so many decisions. We endured together. We persevered together. We lifted each other up when the other one was down. We embraced the hard times, hand in hand, with strong hearts and minds of determination. Most importantly, we knew without a doubt that we had each other’s backs! We encouraged each other’s dreams, hopes and goals. We believe that no matter what life throws at us, we will power through it together.

We have seen the worst in humanity. We have seen the worst in cancer.

We have seen and felt despair, loss of hope, crushed dreams and shattered hearts. As we stand here six years later, we are finally at a place where we are grateful to our grief.

Grateful to our grief sounds crazy, right? We are not grateful Art died. We miss him every day. Yet, we are grateful that grief showed us our courage, strength, desires, growth and dreams for the future.

I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without our tragedy. Jay would not be the magnificent, amazing, talented piece of sunshine she is today without our tragedy.

As Jay turns 18, we both have so many emotions running through us. Sadness that Art isn’t here. Gratitude that we have made it this far, and we are rocking it! Joy that we can feel our hearts beating again, wanting to live a happy life. Courage to keep us going. The strength in our bond reminds both of us that we can do this together.

Back to the topic of dating. Oh, that word, dating. Such a silly word. I had no plans to even think about this word or the action. But it is funny how sometimes the universe just puts something in your path. Before covid happened, I was starting to think about dating. I wasn’t deeply thinking about it. I just thought that at some point, sure. Why not? After Jay is all grown up.

Then a couple weeks later, I was asked out by two different guys. I was definitely taken back a little. I wasn’t sure about the whole dating thing. I kept questioning myself and whether I was ready. I felt nervous and scared to date again.

As all the questions regarding dating started to feel overwhelming. Then, what happened? The pandemic happened! I took it as a sign from the universe and possibly Art, who knows, that I wasn’t ready. So, I let it go.

Sometimes, in the most unpredictable way, things happen. Even when you don’t think they will. Even though we are in a pandemic, there are still ways to communicate. Whether it be texting, email, Snapchat, Instagram, and let’s not forget the good old-fashioned Facebook!  

Dating! Yikes! It’s been over twenty years since I dated. Art and I went on dates in our marriage, but that’s different. It was fun, but different.

Here’s the thing I have been realizing lately: Art died, I did not. Even though I have felt dead inside for almost six years, I’m starting to become undead.

I have spent the last six years discovering who I am without Art. Discovering it is okay to become a woman whose identity is not tied to a man. Discovering my own individualistic likes and dislikes. Making my own plans, dreams and goals for myself and for my future. Planning and rebuilding a new life that fits the woman I have become.

I am more than just Art’s widow.

A while back, I met a extremely nice human. A good looking one at that 😉 It’s nothing serious, I call it dipping my toes in the water before I take a swim. Metaphorically speaking, maybe I will just want to sit on the docks for a while with my toes in the water, who knows.

What I can tell you is that it feels really good to be alive again. It feels really good to not feel guilty about living my life. It feels really good to venture out and not stay stagnant or dead inside.

I told myself I would spend the rest of my life alone because that was honoring Art. I no longer want that for my life. It’s a pretty lonely place to stay in.

For now, I’m having fun with my “toes in the water.” I think Art would be happy that I’m happy. In fact, I almost feel like he is cheering me on. Before he died, he told me he wanted me to date and meet people. He told the chemo nurses, who later told me, that he didn’t want me to be alone the rest of my life.

I hated that he said it back then. Now, I find comfort in his words. He loved me with his entire heart and soul. I am very blessed to have had that love. One day, I may fall in love again; I am not ruling it out. I am not searching for it either. For now, I will settle with a little dating and feeling alive! It’s such a huge step for me!

Yes, dating in a pandemic is possible. It can be done safely. I have recently come to realize that going out on a date is not dishonoring Art. Not dating is dishonoring myself as a living, breathing woman. I kept my word and I raised Jay first. I kept to my word and we rebuilt our lives. We are still rebuilding our lives. As we look back, we are amazed at how far we have come since the tragic day of Art’s death of 2014.

Most importantly, as I embark upon this new adventure, Jay is standing right beside me cheering me on. Because that is what we do; we support each other.

The false narratives of betraying Art are just that, false narratives. He is and will always be the one great love of my life.

I will say it one more for the people in the back: Art died, I did not! I will forever love him and hope nobody ever questions my deep, true love for him. For now, it’s time to navigate this new adventure and live my life the way I want to! To everyone who has been asking me for the last six years, “are you dating yet?”

Yes, I am now! 💕😉

Jay here!

Let me say first and foremost, I AM SO PROUD OF/HAPPY FOR MY MOM!

I’m not mad at her for dating. I know that tends to be the usual narrative we hear, but I’m honestly proud of her. She promised me that she wouldn’t start dating until I was an adult. Then, right after my 18^th birthday, she was asked out on a date. Way to go, mom!

My mom and I share everything. I know that at some point, she started to miss being treated special by a man. I know she missed my dad’s hugs, his touch, and other stuff. She had her own reasons for putting that on hold, but I know I was a factor too. She always said she was choosing not to date because she never wanted a man to come between us.

I’m glad she waited, because I don’t know how a young-me would have reacted to her dating. Young-me would usually just go with the flow, so perhaps I would have been fine. I can’t answer that for certain, though. Maybe I’m okay with it now because she waited until I was more mature, and able to comprehend what she has been missing.

I look at it logically. She waited for six years. She has not had any romantic attention in six years. She didn’t want it for some time, but she wants it now. I am aware that this is something important to health, self-esteem, self-image and so forth. If I stood in the way of that, wouldn’t I be harming my mom?

Furthermore, I know she’s not replacing my dad. No one can replace him. I see every day just how much she misses him. At the same time though, time is not frozen. Her usual source of romantic joy is gone, and he’s never coming back. She shouldn’t be deprived of feeling special for the rest of her life. My mom is young, and she has a lot of life left to live. Dating can be a part of that. It doesn’t make her any less of a widow, but it does make her a widow with her own life.

Grief and happiness can co-exist, like it did on my birthday. If I’m allowed to be happy, then so is my mom.

I think waiting really helped both of us. It helped my mom be ready for this, and it helped me be okay with this. Maybe waiting won’t work for every family, and maybe different families will need more or less time. The important thing is that my mom and I found what works for us, and we’re happy with that.

If any widows reading this don’t feel ready to date yet, don’t force it, especially if you have children! Part of why I’m okay with my mom dating is because I know she’s ready. I know she’s not forcing herself into a disaster; she’s taking control of her life. She’s not finding a man because she needs him; she’s owning her power and embracing what she wants.

I understand that everything was about me for six years. My mom wanted to make sure I was okay, and I am. She successfully raised a fully functioning adult.

Now, it’s her turn. This is finally about my mom, and I couldn’t be prouder of her.  

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell