In a Room Filled with Lavender

Hi everybody! We have a real treat for you today!

As many of you know, we have an Instagram @jayandshellsjourney. Well, one day I was browsing, and I came across an account called @griefandgrits. Her father died when she was ten years old, which is the age I was when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. For some reason, I felt instantly connected to her and her story.

The more I read her account, the more connected I felt to her. I realized that she is an adult in her sixties, and she’s still writing about the grief she feels for the father she lost at age ten.

How do I even begin to describe how this made me feel?

To know that she is an adult still grieving the loss of her father made me feel more valid and even relieved. When I was really struggling in my grief, I desperately wanted to know what my future with grief would look like. I didn’t know quite why at the time, but not knowing what my future looked like was making my grief even more difficult. Looking back, I think I was just looking for someone who had gone through the same thing to tell me that I’d be okay.

That’s exactly what her Instagram account @griefandgrits gave me.

She has helped me realize that the grief doesn’t go away. We live with it forever. No matter how many years pass, I will always love and miss my dad, just like her. Some part of me will always be that ten-year-old girl, sitting outside the hospital with my mom telling me that the doctors found a lump on my dad’s pancreas.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing, either! It means that no matter how many years pass, I’ll always love my dad.

Time does not invalidate our grief. We are allowed to continue grieving because we continue loving, no matter how much time passes.

Despite the fact I just found her Instagram over the summer, this woman’s bravery to share her story has helped me in my own grief journey.

She graciously agreed to allow us to share one of her beautiful writing with you all! So, without further ado, here it is:

When I was 5 years old, we moved to a home where my bedroom was softly painted in lavender and white. I’m not sure if I picked the color, or if it was picked for me.

I only know… I loved it.

If a room can make you think in a particular way, then mine knew just how to gently make me believe as though I was pretty, and delicate, and unique, just when I was feeling anything but.

The moment I entered, I felt transformed. Safe. Secure.

I cared for and nurtured my room like a best friend. I kept it clean and neat and respected every inch of my special space.

While living in my lavender room, I had no idea that my dad was waging a war against leukemia. But as children often do, I imagine I could detect that something had changed, by observing movement, the blink of an eye, and the tone of a voice.

I suppose I could sense the turn my destiny would soon take.

I can still remember, with clarity, the moment my mom sat me down to tell me he had died. “God needs another teacher in heaven” were the words she spoke, on January 8th, almost 55 years ago.

I look back now and wonder if my drive to maintain an orderly room was really my attempt to calm the chaos I could sense going on in our home.

In a room filled with lavender, I would quietly cry and wonder, why? I was 10-years-old, working hard to get good grades and comb my hair and dress nice. I didn’t want others to know that the little girl, who had earned the nickname “smiley”, sometimes wanted to do anything but smile.

We moved when I was 12, leaving behind the room that had wrapped itself around me, caring for and soothing me through a time where much had turned upside down.

As I have journeyed through my life, I have never forgotten my soft and gentle lavender room.

Randi Pearlman Wolfson

Grief and Grits

Anyone else get a little misty eyed reading this?

 Her writing brings me right back to that little girl inside me who just wanted her daddy to be okay. There’s something so reassuring about her writing, letting me know it’s okay to miss him. She is helping so many young grievers by sharing her story with us. In addition to her wonderful Instagram account @griefandgrits, she also has this Facebook account Grief and Grits.

She also wrote a book! It’s called Eddie’s Brave Journey: How one little elephant learned all about grief. It’s geared towards a younger audience, and she helps kids learn about their grief and sort through the confusion of it all. She used some well-respected information on grief theory as she carefully crafted this book, so that it could be as helpful as possible. Here is the link to her book’s website.

I could sing her praises all day long; she is just amazing.

Thank you for everything you are doing, Randi. You are helping grievers of all ages more than you know💕

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell