Jay here!

Hi everybody. I have something I want to say about 2020 Thanksgiving and grief, but first.. Story time!

During class last week, my teacher was wishing us all a happy holiday week off. She went on to discuss how Thanksgiving (If you’re not from the U.S., it’s an American holiday where extended families get together and feast) looks different this year for all of us. She tried to make it a sort of pep talk, but she and some students looked a bit sad or awkward.

Everyone keeps saying how sad it is to be apart from their families, and how hard it is to not see their loved ones…

Meanwhile, I’m trying not to laugh because this has been my life since 2015.

My dad and papa (my mom’s father, with whom we were very close) died. My father’s family walked out on us, although I was fine with it considering I never liked them anyways. It was just me, my mom and my Nana. Then Nana died.

Suddenly, my mom and I have no family! We don’t get holidays with loved ones because everyone is gone. Our close family of five was reduced to a family of two, and my dad died right before Christmas.

I think we were thrown in the deep end with grief. It hurts when your loved one dies, regardless of the time of year. But my drama queen dad just had to live to my birthday and die before Christmas (I’m actually pretty grateful that he fought so hard to watch me turn 12, but you’ll see why it sucks in a minute). He made it to Thanksgiving and my early December birthday, but died before Christmas. Then, my papa died after Christmas and before New Years.

Any griever knows that holidays without your loved one feels heavy. Since our loved ones died in the middle of the holiday season, we have Thanksgiving, my birthday, my dad’s death date, Christmas, my papa’s death date and New Years.

So in the midst of the holiday season, everything changed! Our family broke down like fractions until it’s just me and my mom, trying to figure out what we’re supposed to do for the holidays.

It’s been just the two of us for Thanksgiving since 2015. I still prefer Thanksgiving 2015 to 2014… My dad and papa were alive, but it was hell. My dad was in a hospice bed in our living room, his body breaking down but his spirit refusing to waver. My mom was exhausted from taking care of my dad 24/7. She basically became a hospice nurse overnight, administering medicines and not sleeping in case something happened. My nana and papa came over for a brief minute. Nana made some snide comments, and then they left. My dad’s family refused to come over since my mom was not making a turkey (which she wouldn’t have done even if she wasn’t taking care of her dying husband, because we were vegetarians).

People I didn’t know came and went all day, saying their final farewells to my dad. Thanksgiving dinner was some Mexican food and a slice of pumpkin pie that a thoughtful neighbor, and one of the few people in our house that I recognized, brought over.

That Thanksgiving was  h e l l.

So yeah, having a quiet, peaceful Thanksgiving with my mom seemed pretty freaking great after 2014.

I’ve come to enjoy our Thanksgivings. My mom and I spend the entire day in our pajamas, and we make a bunch of our favorite foods. Then we set up camp in the living room and watch movies all day together, eating whatever we want whenever we want. No drama. No strangers. No snide remarks. No watching my father die or seeing my mom grow more exhausted every day. Just peace and quiet with the family I know and love.

My mom and I’s Thanksgiving is going to be the exact same thing it’s been for five years. We adopted this new tradition because we had to either adapt to the situation or be unhappy for every Thanksgiving without my dad. It was sink or swim with no one to throw us a life raft, so we learned to swim pretty quickly.

So when I watch people freak out over their lost holiday plans… Been there. Done that.

I learned to swim, and you can too.

Since we were doing the stay-at-home Thanksgiving before 2020 made it trendy, here’s some tips we’ve compiled for you.

Jay and Shell’s Tips:

• Make your favorite food! If you’re not gathering as a family, there’s no need to waste time with a huge turkey. Make whatever you want to eat. The possibilities are endless!
• Movies make a difference! Use the time to catch up on your favorite shows or watch a movie you’ve been dying to see. This is especially useful if you’re sad, because it makes the day go by faster.
• If you have family you can’t visit this year, facetime! We sure wish we could facetime my dad.
• Remember everything is optional. My mom and I choose to stay in our pajamas all day because it’s fun and what we like to do. You can choose to try this too, or you can still dress up if that’s what will make you feel good!
• Listen to what you want to do. You’re not meeting up with anyone, meaning that this is YOUR day! You get to chose what you want to do! Sometimes Shell and I will even change our minds about what we want to do on the day of the holiday, and this is okay too! You are under no obligation to do anything you don’t want to.

Aloha and gratitude,

Jay and Shell