Shell here!

As I sit here thinking about my feelings and the holidays, I have noticed the last week that my mind has been like a whirlwind of thoughts. The last seven days, Jay and I have had so much going on and my deepest feeling was that I just wanted to run away from it all. I was tired of Instagram, Facebook, the news, the world around me and most of all school.

I have been working on my UC applications and the haunted doubt of questioning myself and moving forward in my education has had me stressed out. Questioning why am I doing this? Why did I decide to go back to school? What is the purpose and what will be the outcome?

On top of all of that, as I look forward, I see what I call “the nasty holidays” peeking back at me ready to eat up all my emotions for the remainder of the year. For some crazy reason, my grief feels obnoxiously heavy this year.

I was thinking about grief and how grief and 2020, even for those who are not living with a loss, are carrying around grief. It is as if grief decided to go on tour this year and join every human at the hip. Those of us grieving the loss of a human also must handle the life of 2020 now.

Those who are not grieving a human are learning how grief is walking into their life now. What I mean by that is, nothing of 2020 has been normal for any of us. Even if someone isn’t grieving the loss of a loved one, they may be grieving what their life was before the pandemic arrived. Maybe they lost their job or their business. They could be grieving their gym being closed, not being able to see their friends, online work, online school, heck even going to the grocery store isn’t the same. Trips being cancelled, birthdays, weddings are not the same. It’s all a grieving process.

I believe no matter how much we try to ignore what is happening, we all have been impacted by the pandemic in one way or the other. Greif comes in many forms; I think we need to show more empathy & compassion for one another. Empathy and compassion are something that I think is missing in 2020. I have seen more anger, hatred and ugliness in 2020, and it breaks my heart. I believe it is time to turn the ship around to kindness, empathy and compassion.

My mind has been swirling with grief and life, but I’ve also been plagued by questions about Jay and Shell’s Journey. What more can we do? How can we help people? Our biggest reason for starting this website and Instagram was to share our story and to let others know they are not alone. Yet to be honest with all of you, these past couple weeks I have felt alone. Alone in my grief. Alone in my whirlwind rambled thoughts. Now it is time for Jay and I to embark upon the roller coaster ride of the next six weeks for the holidays, birthdays and death dates.

Jay’s birthday is coming up on December 3^rd and I must tell you all, as a mom, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this one. Yes, I know they grow up, we all do. I think I am struggling the most with is that Art is not here. He was supposed to be here to watch our baby girl grow up. I know he is watching from wherever he is, but I want him here with me. I want him to see what an amazing young lady our daughter has turned out to be. I want him here to hug her! To tell her in-person that he loves her. To give her the biggest hug he has ever given her and remind her how much he loves her.  Yes, our babies grow up, but my heart aches because my baby girl is growing up without her dad. If I could change anything in the world, I would bring all the parents back who have died so no child ever has to grow up without their parent. It is such a great loss that breaks my heart to its core.

So many thoughts are in my mind, so many feelings are in my heart. That is why Jay and I decided to start a thing this year. For the next six weeks, we are going to journal or document our roller coaster ride. We are going to share our thoughts and our hearts with you. We are doing this so that maybe during this difficult time, we won’t feel alone on this journey.

From thanksgiving to New Year’s Day, Jay and I always struggle during this time. For the last six years we put on our fake faces, buried our heads and dove down and rode it out. We have no family or friends that we share what we go through with. We just endure and countdown to January. In fact, every year or every other year, we take off to Hawaii after our six weeks to recuperate, rest and feed our souls. January 2021 was our year that we were supposed to go, but the pandemic happened and Jay refuses to fly till January 2022. Jay learned how to become a germaphobe during her dad’s cancer journey, and always manages to catch a cold from our plane rides. To be honest, I am okay with waiting until life gets back to normal, or whatever our new normal will be post covid.

If you are reading down this far, thank you. I invite you to join us on our six-week roller coaster ride where we promise to be authentic, transparent and real. Our greatest hope is that each of us, you the reader plus Jay and I, won’t feel alone on this grief journey during the holidays.

Welcome. Hold on, fasten your seat belts our ride takes off……. now.