Shell here!
WOW! Seriously, this is a question that is going to be on one of my exams. At first, I thought I would ignore it and just fudge my way through it. I mean, why not? It is just a test and I will never “see” this professor, especially right now since things are remote learning.
But darn it, this question seeped into the back of my brain and stuck around for a while. Then it reminded me how I had this exact same question about six years ago. I struggled with my purpose in life right after Art died. However, my grief was so heavy that I never really looked at it. I was swallowed with grief, my heart was broken, my body was numb and my brain was out to lunch. Grief consumed my body and soul.
For some odd reason, in 2017 this question resurfaced. I am not exactly sure why this year became the year of “what is my purpose in life?”, but it did. My parents were dead, my husband was dead and here I was alone to raise our daughter. I started to question things. Was my only purpose in life to marry Art, have his baby, and be his caretaker to his death? Was my only purpose in life to be Jay’s mom? Do not get me wrong! I LOVE being Jay’s mom. She is the greatest thing in my life. If it had turned out that my only purpose was to take care of Art and raise Jay, then I think I’d be okay with it. But it was a nagging question and would not go away. It would get louder with each passing day. Was I only supposed to be Jay’s mom now? Who was I? Am I more than Art’s widow? Do I have a purpose in life? What happens when Jay flies out of the nest and I am standing here all alone; who am I?
Phew! Tough stuff, right? All those questions were flying around my head and my answer for myself was to go back to school. Find yourself at school. The opportunity was there, Jay loved the idea, so off to school I went. Funny how I went to school to learn who I am after loss and in my 3rd year of school, this darn question pops up AGAIN!! What is your purpose in life!
Dang it! Now here I am again having to relive this question one more time. Or should I say this annoying question never left. It was just covered up with exams, midterms, finals, research papers, essays, descriptive papers, expository papers, quizzes and so much reading! I guess you can always cover up something and make it go away. However, what you cover up will find a way to resurface eventually, especially if you’re supposed to deal with it.
We are going on almost 6 years of living life without Art. In December of 2014, immediately after his death, I felt I had no purpose in this life. I remember feeling lost, afraid, confused, lonely and extreme heartache. I had been with Art since I sixteen years old. Here I was, now a forty-three old widow. I was in shock, dismay, and disbelief. The love of my life was gone, forever.
Let’s fast forward to the present. Today as I write this post, it is September 29th, 2020. Tomorrow is my “would-have-been 25th anniversary”. Tomorrow is a reminder of what was and what will never be again. It is ironic or fate how this question arises last week in preparation for my test today. Maybe the universe is trying to talk to me?
What I do know is this. Each day after Art’s death, I awoke in deep grief. Each day I fought to survive, even if my triumph during that time was getting dressed or brushing my teeth. I know it sounds crazy. When you are in deep grief, just getting dressed for the day is a huge triumph. Each day, I made sure I got dressed out of my pajamas, brushed my teeth and washed my face. Even on those days when I did not want to, I made myself do it.
Why? Well, each morning I awoke in my deep grief, I would look over and see my beautiful Jay snuggled up next to me. Jay and her puppy Daisy would be sound asleep, and they looked like precious little angels without a care in the world. Even though I knew Jay was grieving as well, she always looked so angelic sound asleep. As I watched them in the mornings, I knew no matter how I felt, I had to find the strength to go on. If not for me, I owed it to my amazing daughter. I believed I owed it to Art as well. He gave me the best gift in life, our amazing daughter. He entrusted me to take care of her, so that is what I focused on. During those difficult hard times, my purpose in life became to be there for my daughter no matter what.
Here we are today, one day before my “would-have-been anniversary,” six years after his death and I can honestly say to you, I am not 100% sure what my purpose is here in this life but I have figured out some purpose in my life. I can say what I have learned over these years who I am as a human being. I have learned that I am an extremely strong woman. I am very courageous, because I took incredible care of my spouse and I held him close as he took his last breath. That takes courage. It takes courage to go on without the love of your life. It takes courage to stand alone in a room after your entire family and friends all left. It takes courage to raise your child alone. I did all those things and I am still doing all those things. It takes courage to go back to school after a 30-year absence. I have learned that I am smart; if you don’t believe me, my grades and professors say so, lol.
Most importantly, I have learned that I am more than my husband’s widow. That is when things started to feel profound, deep and meaningful in my life. Yes, I am Art’s widow. Yes, I am Jay’s mom, but I am so much more! I am an author, blogger, a friend and a dog owner. I am a raw food vegan yogi. I am a homeowner. I am a cosplayer, Disney lover, beach enthusiast, ocean lover, full of compassion and extremely empathetic. I am compassionate about sustainability, healing mother earth and women’s rights! I am a feminist and so much more. These are just the tips of the iceberg as I am constantly growing and changing through this grieving process. As I change and discover who I am as a woman, these things help me define my purpose in life.
As I learn more about my purpose in life, I am also teaching my daughter every day to live on purpose. I tell her all the time to strive each day to attain her goals. I encourage her daily to follow her dreams and I tell her daily that all her goals are reachable. She can be anything and everything she wants to be in this world. She is not just a young woman and she is not just her father’s legacy, she is so much more! It is her job daily to find that purpose, to seek her goals and obtain her dreams.
I encourage anyone who is reading this, with the grief that your holding, to know it is okay to seek your purpose in life. It is okay to make goals, to laugh again and to find what makes you happy in this life. I hate it when someone says the words “move on” or “they wouldn’t want you to be unhappy”. I am sure Art wouldn’t want us to be unhappy, he told us every day when he was dying. Grief hurts, but we need to find a way to live our lives while holding our grief, and know that no matter what we decide on how we choose to live, it is okay.
For now, my purpose in life is to live each day to the fullest to the best of my knowledge. I live each day showing my daughter that no matter what obstacles life throws your way, we cannot only overcome them, we can conquer them with strength and dignity. Yes, death sucks. Yes, grief sucks. Yes, it is all hard. Believe me, I get it. I understand your grief.
I understand the difficulties of trying to get through each day after your loved one has died. I know that today can be a great day and tomorrow grief can swallow us alive. I know that when grief is new, celebrating brushing your teeth is a huge accomplishment. I can also tell you that each passing day does become a little tiny bit easier. I also know that not everyone’s grief journey is the same, nor should it be. We are all different and we all grieve differently. Know this. I respect you and honor you no matter where you are at with your grief. If you are in the first days, the first couple years, or many years out; I respect, appreciate and love you.
Here is that pesky question again, what is my purpose in life? I have to answer this question today on my test. Here you go, here is my answer.
My purpose in life is to live for my daughter and my husband’s legacy: to share his story. To share my story and let others who are grieving know that they matter in this world and they are not alone. To be the change I want to see in the world. To live each day with compassion, kindness and peace. To practice compassion, non-violence and quietly listen to myself and to the world around me. To appreciate the beauty of each day with each sunrise and sunset. To have a heart of gratitude for each day I get to live on this earth with my daughter. To laugh, live and love the best way I know how. To remind myself to always live on purpose for me because I matter in this world too.
There is my answer final answer.
Now, as far as the would-have-been anniversary tomorrow… I am taking off to the place that soothes my soul, comforts my heart and allows me to be alone in nature and to be with my feelings. I have so many feelings regarding tomorrow. I am not sure which feelings will rise to the top. I miss my husband deeply, and I am also missing my Dad tremendously. I know there will be tears, quiet time and maybe a little laughter. I guess that one thing I have learned over this grieving journey is to take the time you need and do the things that help you deal with difficult days ahead. Happy would-have-been 25 years anniversary to me. My Art is my forever one and only true love, today always and forever.
Thank you for reading today. I send you nothing but peace, love and good vibes from my home to yours. Your grief matters to me.
Be kind to yourself! Sending you warm hugs!!!!
Aloha and gratitude,
Jay and Shell
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